The Tiny Torus Of The Self

EXPLORING THE CENTER POINT

Last night, seated meditation in bed.

Focusing on my inner self, my identity, attempting to perceive my consciousness with my consciousness, I went through a period in which all my surroundings became cartoon-like or dream-like, with no loss of detail. This has happened in the past, and indeed is fairly common.

As I settled into rhythmic breathing, I closed my eyes and went within myself, far within, seeking my own source. This is a fairly common meditation for me. In the past I've often gone so deep and so far that I perceived a tiny single point, the very center point of my being, what I think of as my "I AM" point because in order to see it I must free my mind of all concepts except my own basic sense of identity and pursue only that. Salvia is so powerful in this particular manner, it gives you what amounts to almost a super-power of concentration. With salvia I can narrow my focus to only one exclusive concept and simply not think of anything else, at will.

So there I am floating in the black void of my inner self, starred as always by the millions of tiny lights that I always see even when I'm in normal mind. The remains of my old childhood hallucinations, the leftovers of my old visions. I'm floating in this, this vast expanse of what looks like space but unlike space I can feel it as if it were part of my body. I sense the currents and swirls and movements of my "astral plane" for lack of a better term. I focus on my source, and let everything else fall away. It's effortless. I no longer know my own name, that I even have a name. I am a point, a floating viewpoint, in this vast cavern that is my own mind.

I sense something different, floating in front of me in this space. What can it be? It looks like a smoke ring, perhaps three-quarters of an inch in apparent diameter. A smoke ring floating in the space of my mind. I can feel it twisting there. I see it twisting in on itself constantly, as an actual smoke ring usually does. It's a floating torus, spinning not on its axis, but spinning around the center of the toroidal tube that makes up the ring itself.

I approach closer to it. Now it's right in front of me. I can feel it there, twisting in on itself there in front of me.

Then something really strange happened.

It seemed to suck me in, to suck in the floating viewpoint that was all I was in that space. I became one with the torus, and all of a sudden I was twisting and torquing within it as if it, were me.

I distinctly remember the feeling of being turned inside-out when it happened. It is an incredibly unusual feeling to cope with.

Then it happened again. I remember thinking "inside out and inside out and inside out and inside out..." many times as I experienced the chaos of being a twisting smoke ring, a torus of energy, feeling my entire being twisting itself inside-out over and over and over.

Eventually I decided to disengage with it and wake up to full consciousness, and did so. All I remember thinking at the time was, it was like I finally found the very center of my being, and it was a spinning torus of constant self-inversion, spinning smoke-ring-like in the quasi-darkness of the deepest recesses of my mind.

Overall, a very interesting experience, rather pleasant.

Another Kind Of Distance

Recently:

Sitting in silent meditation, 100X. I'm playing around with what feels like a field around my body, a field that I can feel as if it were a part of me. I move it to the left and to the right, feeling it move, feeling it like an extension of my will. Then suddenly I feel myself, sitting there, suddenly shrink down to microscopic proportions, and seep through the floor of the room into an identical but far smaller version of my room. So there I am, having just filtered down through the ceiling, sitting there, and it happened again. Once again I shrank down, seemed to filter through the bed and floor as if it were a permeable membrane, and wound up where I started, sitting on my bed in my room, wife asleep by my side. Then again, it happened. And again.

I seemed to shrink, again and again, and seep down through the material plane I was in and fall into a far smaller, identical one!

Of course, each new plane of reality, while immeasurably smaller than the preceding one, was completely normal to me once I entered it, because I was so much smaller too.

It's an amazing feeling, to feel your whole body shrink suddenly down to microbe size or less, over and over, four or five times. I never experienced that before.

So that was interesting.

This brings us to last night.

Once again, sitting on the bed cross-legged. Reality around me morphs into an extension of my head, seeming to be all a part of my head, or passing through my head. I see reality in a confused daze of reality-chunks, pieces of the surrounding room arranged seemingly at random around me, physically touching my eyes and head. One such chunk was the size of my whole cheek, touching my cheek, blended with it somehow. Confusing.

In this state of *blending* with my surroundings, a common state for me while meditating on salvia, I get the clearest sense of my reality not being outside my head and body at all, but instead all in my head, or rather all in my mind, *including* my head and body. Of it all being a mirage, a figment of my imagination, even down to my physical body.

As this state started to abate, and I became more aware and lucid, I could feel my body as usual in its seated position on the bed. I had not moved. My normal sense of kinesthesia returned, my body-sense became clear again. But what's this? I feel my body seated on the bed in my room, but I also feel many other bodies, many others of my body, all seated on the bed, all in *almost* the same identical posture but not quite. They all differ slightly, some very slightly. So once again, I sense a "cloud of me's" or many "me's" all seated in the same location.

I was sitting in one place, many times over. Not all identical sitting postures, but very similar. It should be noted that I could also clearly sense this, that all these bodies of mine were not in perfectly identical postures. I could "see" (in my mind) where others differed. One positioned slightly to the left, another with part of my right arm not in the same exact place, and so on. None differed greatly, but all differed at least slightly.

I have been in this state many times in the past. It's even rather comfortable for me now. This time was different though. This time I could also very clearly sense the distance between each of my bodies.

I could clearly feel the distance between my many bodies that were all sitting in the same physical location.

Think about that for a minute.

This sense of distance was incredibly clear. Think of holding your arms apart with your eyes closed. You can clearly sense the distance between your two hands, even if you cannot tell it's exact length in centimeters or inches. There's no mistake that your hands are well apart, you can clearly feel that even with your eyes shut.

This was the same degree of certainty.

So I'm sitting there in many, many bodies, all in the same almost identical physical location in my bedroom on my bed, but I'm sensing the distance between each body. It wasn't a long distance... perhaps a couple of feet. However, and this is key, this "distance" wasn't in my normal three-dimensional world. It was not a distance in any spatial direction that I had access to. In my normal 3-D world, this distance was in a "hidden" direction, as real as anything I could point to, but not really *in* my regular world. I could not point in the direction that I sensed the distance, for that direction did not exist.

It was another kind of distance, in a hidden direction. I could feel it so clearly; it was not to the left or to the right or up or down or to the front or the rear. It was a distance to "elsewhere" that had no direction.

This is not a concept that lends itself well to our languages, but I experienced, clear as day, the distance between the planes of my own multi-plane or multiversal existence.

And I did so with all the clarity that you're experiencing now, reading this.

This is why I love salvia divinorum.

Reality is Mathematics is Consciousness

Existence exists because it is impossible for mathematics not to exist.

Even in absolute nothingness lies the concept of mathematics.

Reality is this concept.

Mathematics *is* consciousness, brought into being by the very necessity of its existence even in the face of all else being gone.

Nothing actually exists anywhere. No thing is real.

The only reality is that which is brought into being by the necessity of the existence of mathematics even in absolute void.

We are the interplay of mathematics so complex and interwoven that it is the equivalent of what we think of as "thought."

Reality is therefore a dreamlike state of mathematical interplay and development, a dream. A true dream as unreal as any sleeping dream.

Here's the secret: We never are truly awake. We just believe that we are.

We just awaken to the point where our reality is familiar and is rational and logical and makes sense to us and has continuity with our previous experiences and meshes with other consciousnesses' dreams that we are associated with in the overall story we participate in that we call our life.

Reality, waking reality, is merely our most ordered dream which we all share.

We insist it not be magical, we insist it make sense. So it does.

If it failed to meet our definition of reality we would retreat in terror of existential crisis. So it doesn't.

Hence, it's a very realistic dream.

Precisely as realistic as is needed to convince each one of us individually, in fact. That is all it's needed to be.

We are mathematics, which turns out to be consciousness, which turns out to be as real as anything ever gets.

Our next moments in time are generated by the mathematics (the physics) of the previous ones, with all possible results being realized in it's own dimension, or perhaps more accurately, at its own frequency.

A mathematical multiverse.

I wonder if this will make sense tomorrow.

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Note: If this concept interests you, you might like to read THIS BOOK

"Our Mathematical Universe" by cosmologist Max Tegmark. Read the editorial reviews on the Amazon page linked above. Note the names of the reviewers. This concept, likely or not, is utterly credible. It just requires a paradigm shift.

I Am Made Of Information, And So Are You

Meditating in seated position, cross-legged on the bed. 100X as usual.

I feel the room around me and my sleeping wife and dog as all being inside my mind, in my head, not "out there" in any way. Even my head, is all in my mind. I sense many of me, many such rooms, splashes of me all over, dashes of me everywhere. I sense the room around me and my body as being part of the same thing, being one with everything else.

I've been getting this for a while now, all the time. Last night was the most clear, easiest to recall.

Then a subtle shift. The room, my body, my wife, the dog, all of these things are now seen as they really are, as thoughts, descriptions of themselves. I sense that we are all descriptions, stories if you will. We are all each collections of data, thoughts, and that is all we are. We exist within what can only be described as a *mind* but not like our minds, far vaster, containing all "things" within itself, all such collections of data that describe all things, in a sea of data describing our surroundings. Everything that exists, is thought, is data. I feel myself as words, descriptions, thought, data. Everything is like this, nothing is not like this.

I feel waves and ripples in that sea of thought, waves that move through my room and through my body. I feel the thought that comprises me, my personal collection of data that describes me as different than anything else, my "body" if you will, be penetrated by these waves; they flow through me, and the "stuff" that is me, "waves" and ripples along with them. I feel the substance of my body being not substance at all, nothing like a substance, everything both inside me and out is insubstantial.

It hits me; nothing truly exists as we believe it does. Only mind exists, only being, and within that mind we are collections of data, of thought. Basically, we are the sum of the thoughts that describe us.

My body does not exist, my wife does not exist, the world does not exist, except within our minds, which are within a vaster mind, much like programs in a database of some sort.

This mind we are a part of has always existed, it is the default setting of all reality, the most basic level of existence. Since it has always been, there was no single point where creation started.

So what is it about me, about this collection of data, that feels like a person, that feels like my self?

From what I can sense it is a part of us that is self-descriptive and self-referential both. I describe myself to myself and believe it, then I constantly reinforce my reality to myself in an unending descending spiral of self-affirmation and belief.

For some reason, belief is very important to existence. I often sense myself battling in deep meditation with my own ability to believe, adjusting it 'just so' much like one would adjust a radio dial. Too much belief, image is lost; just enough and you can see the story play out. Belief is more than we think it is. Far more important to existence than we know.

I've had unimaginable battles deep within myself trying to fine-tune my own belief so as to attain understanding of my own mind. Adjusting my belief in whatever it is I'm sensing, a little more here, a little less there, to be able to see it manifest to myself. What I sense about belief is that it underlies all reality, so then it can be said that a disbelief in such things as I seek to understand here, would absolutely prevent us ever even beginning to see it.

What I mean here is, yes, it's absolutely true: A disbeliever in these things can never see these things, but instead will see whatever it is they believe they will see.

A scientist would accuse me of hedging. No. I truly sense that in order to sense what reality actually *is,* one must first believe that whatever it *is,* is at least possible. Why have I seen the infinitely malleable, deceptive, belief-dependent nature of reality? Because I believed it to be possible that reality is like that. Why do I think it might be true? Because unlike all other options, this option explains all others as well as itself. If I tried believing in such a thing and it manifested itself to me as it did, then it also explains all other options, all other possible manifestations of reality, from science to god, for such a reality is infinitely *deceptive* in nature.

It explains Maya, which has so effectively deceived us all.

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NOTE: *THIS* has just come to my attention. It relates.

Synesthesia Play Gets Real

Two nights ago, 100X, sitting upright in bed.

I'm doing one-point meditation on a point between my two eyes, which seems to raise energy in my body. I see a bright star above my head, a channel of bright light running down my spine, and what looks like a red giant star in my general stomach/perineum area. I sense this as similar to electrical currents running through me.

There is a pale bluish-green field around me, basically covering my whole field of view as I sit in stillness. Like an oval green bubble perhaps. This simmers with tiny sparkles of light similar to static on a television screen. I can see this field and also feel it somehow, in a hard-to-describe manner.

I turn my head to the right and raise my left hand, which is therefore out of my field of view completely. I can clearly see my raised left hand with my skin. Well, perhaps not my skin, but with my whole body, as if my whole body could sense light like the retinas of my eyes, only not nearly as sensitively. I begin moving my fingers in a random manner. I can see them moving. I hold up different numbers of fingers and marvel at how clearly I can see them. I continue to play around with this kinesthesia effect for a while, my mind becoming more and more interested in it, and more and more quiet as a result.

Suddenly I noticed that I could feel my fingers moving inside my head, physically inside my head. I've noticed this phenomena many times before, that any physical movement of any part of my body can be felt in the mind as a "wriggling" sensation, and also in various random parts of the rest of the body as if the feeling is mirrored all over.

So I've noticed that moving my left index finger (for example) results in a wriggling feeling behind my left eye/forehead area, the next finger slightly further to the left, and so on.

While doing this, something new came to my attention. I'm sensing fluctuations in the enclosing green field when I move my fingers. As I play around with that effect, I actually start to see, all over that green field's left side, small shadowy images of my moving right hand! There were many such images, many smaller shadow-hands moving on that green "surface." It was as if it were the wall of an aquarium filled with dense greenish smoke and there were small people inside the tank touching it with their hands. That best describes it visually.

All the hands were moving in a mirror image of my still-moving left hand. More and more of them appeared, causing the effect to expand toward my right side to encompass the entire greenish field. I could see them, and I could also feel them as a moving field of "wriggling" sensations, almost like they were all my actual hand and I was simply feeling them as normal hands. As this area of moving images of my actual moving hand proceeded across my field of view toward my wife, she made a startled noise in her sleep. So I stopped completely. I don't really like waking her up, nor is she very fond of it either.

Then I began again, and again the "field of hands" moved across my vision to my right, got close to my wife, and again she made a noise in her sleep.

I repeated this two more times, and got two more noises.

On the next attempt, as the "field of hands" approached my wife, our dog, which was asleep near her, awakened and started choking and coughing, a lot. More of a violent retching actually. He's a pug, so that's hardly an impossible thing to happen, but the fact that it was so perfectly "on cue" and timed at the precise moment that the field reached him, was enough for me to stop these experiments for the evening. Of course, wouldn't you know it, the pug woke up my wife anyhow.

How I Think On Salvia (An Example): Feedback Cycles of the Mind

(Typed at 2AM in a light trance-like state)(Speculations on the Self and the Mind)

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The nature of The Self is that of an infinite spiral of self-observation.

If one wishes to descend to the depths of one's own consciousness, one way to this end is to contemplate yourself observing the world. At first you look out your eyes and see the world. Then you wonder, who is it that is observing the world through these eyes? Then you say, "I am here, like a small person in my head, observing through these eyes." However then it is incumbent upon you to realize that you are speaking of this small "you" not as this small person, but as an observer of this small person. It is as if now you are standing next to that person in your head describing him. So you now ask, "Who then is observing the person that is observing the world through these eyes?" And the cycle begins. For now the next question becomes "Who is the person that is observing the person that is observing the person that is observing the world through these eyes?" and so on, ad infinitum, for there is always another person observing the person, there is always a deeper level of realization and observation and heightened perspective; it never ends. There is always another person standing next to that little person in your head describing the last one. I've been able to hold six or seven of them in my head at once, but that in no way limits their number, merely my ability to visualize. They go on forever, for how could they not?

In a likewise manner, when you focus on yourself, close your eyes and focus on who is doing the focusing, try to turn your own consciousness back upon itself and "see the see-er" as it were, you create a similar cycle of regressive (or perhaps descending) self-observation, only in this case it's more like a feedback cycle in a sound system. You focus on yourself, and as you observe the being that is observing the being that is observing the being... as you enter into and descend through this cycle, there is a phenomena of energy, a pressure in one's mind, a white noise effect, even an auditory whine verging on the ultrasonic at the edge of human perception. A feedback effect. The more you are able to focus on yourself, the more pronounced the effects.

I'm coming to realize that these phenomena of mental or consciousness feedback cycles, similar to that which is encountered in sound systems, are important to the phenomena of consciousness and even the existence of the self.

As far as we know, only humans ever even think to attempt to become conscious of their "inner observer" or self, so perhaps only humans experience these types of feedback cycles in the mind. Such a cycle seems to give depth to our consciousness, and even a sense of permanence in our minds. The feeling that we are infinite, for example.

Other types of mental feedback cycles can have disastrous effects upon the mind rather than formative or preservative ones; in essence they can destroy the existing mind and re-order it's basic 'wiring.' This is psychosis, or a break from reality, a break from the normal order of the mind, and can be irreparable and dangerous. I've experienced a hint of this type off feedback cycle in the past with salvia,*** and I feel it is the psychological basis of insanity, what it feels like in the mind rather than what it is defined as scientifically. The mental mechanism, if you will. In these cases though, fear is always involved in the cycle. So then you have a random thought for some reason that is repugnant to you or that you very desperately seek to rid yourself from; both fear and guilt can be involved in this desire. The thought repels you, so you seek to *not think it.* This is however futile, for the more you seek to rid yourself of it the more it comes to dominate you, literally feeding off the feedback-cycle of fear until it comes to control your mind utterly and completely, essentially shattering your old frames of reference and creating newer and more chaotic ones. You *snap.*


***This side of feedback cycles spoken of before HERE under "DEMON" and "The Potential Ghost."

Perception Of Energy

Last night, typical salvia experience, 100X. Typical, but I recall it very well, which is not typical. The more I do this, the better I become at recall.

I inhaled my last hit of salvia and felt that it would be a strong experience, felt the dizzying rush hit me, and suppressed it long enough to get into bed next to my sleeping wife, got into a comfortable upright crossed-legs sitting position, then allowed it to take full effect.

Instantly I sensed my wife's body heat both physically and visually, actually seeing it as a glow and feeling it on my skin as if it were sunlight. It was as if when I allowed the salvia to take effect, someone had thrown a switch and she lit up like a weak fluorescent tube. My body stopped feeling like a body. It felt like I was made of a cloud of sparkling energy, like static on an old television set only three-dimensional. My senses were hyper-attuned.

Looking more-or-less at a point on the wall in front of me, I felt my face dissolve in a cloud of static and saw the wall with my entire facial area as if it were one huge eye. Then the room around me, my whole panoramic view of it, seemed to become a solid thing intersecting with my head, like a solid but transparent cone with it's apex anchored at the very back of my head, interpenetrating my flesh. I could physically feel it as a solid, feel it interpenetrating my facial area and the interior of my head.

My entire reality took on an illusory quality, not unreal or cartoonish but more like a projection, and this included my head and body, so they blended into one continuous static-like sparkling energy field. My point-of-view had also shifted; instead of being "pressed up against the window of my eyes" as it usually is, it receded as if I'd taken a few steps back from that window toward the back of my head. My peripheral vision became clearer and eventually very sharp, though not as sharp as my normal focal point vision is; still, much sharper than normal peripheral vision. I still seemed to be viewing the world through my whole facial area.

Slightly glowing green shapes filled the room, moving about, sometimes intersecting with parts of my body or passing through my head. I could feel them as they touched me, and indeed I could feel them inside of me as they passed through me. At first they moved about randomly but after a few minutes I realized that I could control their motion to some extent, and practiced doing so. It was somewhat difficult. Twice a green shape passed through my torso and through my heart, and each time as it did my heart skipped one short beat, as if it felt it, which it indeed seemed to.

Then out of the corner of my eye to my right as I looked straight ahead, beyond my wife's sleeping body I saw an arm rise up and move about. I could also see it's shadow on the opposite wall to my left, since the light source in the room was a lamp on the dresser to the right of the bed. I turned my head and noted that it had seemed to be my wife's arm that had momentarily moved upwards in her sleep, so I dismissed it as that and re-directed my eyes forward. Then I once again noted the arm moving about, only this time I didn't look at it directly, observing it only through peripheral vision. This time it was definitely not my wife's arm. It grew longer, longer than an arm is supposed to be. It looked brownish and dessicated, slender, almost skeletal, with a claw-like hand. I realized that this should scare me but I seemed to have this machine-like dispassionate inner calm, and so I merely observed it flailing about for a short while, still casting its shadow. All I could muster in response was an attitude of a mixture of confidence, fascination and amusement. It went away.

Then I closed my eyes and started a one-point meditation. Gradually my state became trance-like and I saw and felt an area in front of me darken to deepest black, but a black sparkling with energy, a black field filled with effervescent sparks that seemed to have almost an electrical quality to it, as if it were the very archetype of energy itself. This black sparkling field grew to encompass my face, centered at a point between my eyes, or rather where my eyes should have been. My head was humming with energy. My entire body began to thrum with this vibratory energy as if I were tapping into it, and so I focused my mind on increasing it still more. The black field grew in size, and my head and body felt like strong electrical currents were running through them, albeit in a fairly pleasant manner. I felt like I was being charged like a battery.

In the past when I tried to raise energy like this it always affected my heart as if I were running or exercising, but this time it did not bother me in the least. I felt more and more of this pseudoelectrical energy running through me, originating at the point between my eyes where the blackness was, but I reached a point where no matter the effort that I put into it I could not increase it further, and so it gradually faded.

This latter part of the experience left me so charged with inner energy that it took me two hours to fall asleep afterwards.

All of these things except the spooky raised moving hand and arm I had seen many times before, but I've never been able to recall them precisely enough to write them down. I'm also sure that I saw and felt other things last night that I'm not recalling now.

Altogether a pleasant experience. Well, except the arm. After it was over I thought about that creepy arm moving about, and got a serious case of gooseflesh.