That Damned Glow Again

Last night for the first time in a while I allowed myself to take enough salvia to go into a closed-eye vision state. I'd taken a short break to assimilate my last trip, which was a bad one involving my consciousness being stretched into a long sheet and being drawn inexorably into what felt like some massive cosmic pulley of some sort, where I knew (due to INTENSE deja-vu) that I would undergo a *snap* or sudden intense pressure that would obliterate my personality, and then I opened my eyes as the room around me fractured in many places showing black chaos seeping through; what I've come to call the "Outer Darkness." My reality was dissolving, or seemed to be at any rate. What I mean is, it seemed that my whole life was revealed as a shallow masturbatory dream and it was over now so I could see how utterly ridiculously false it all was, and in reality I was the sole existing being/consciousness in the universe, once again consigned to an utterly lonely existance. It felt very real... Let's just say that it wasn't fun.

So I was mildly tripping last night, testing the cosmic waters as it were, closed eyes, having a vision, and I clearly recall that my mind was doing many different things at the same time, as if it were several orders of magnitude more complex than it actually is. This is hard to describe; I felt like my intellect was this enormous, convoluted thing, perhaps something vaguely like an office building full of many busy people all working on diverse, highly complex tasks, only I was each and every one of them all at once, and amazingly I was (at the time) not only aware of being all of them at once but also aware of all the minute details of each of their many complex projects! (Those details were the first thing to go as I gradually left this state; I could feel the memories of them bleed out of me against my will; the only memory left was the memory of having all those myriad other complex thoughts with no salient details left.)

As I gradually came 'back' to my reality it felt like I was forced into giving most of that vast seemingly-polymathic mind up in order to 'fit' into my self here. (hard to explain) Then on coming back to my usual reality in my bedroom and upon opening my eyes, I began to see a whitish glow come into the room. I sensed that it was no different from previous greenish glows. I get the strong impression that these glowing fields are, or at least feel like, spatial distortions of some kind, like induced ripples or interfaces in the consciousness-fabric of my/our reality, and not merely glowing hallucinatory spherical fields of light. I don't only see them; I also feel them pass through my body as they move through me, as if they distorted the geometry of my being as they passed. And then, yet again, and completely unexpected, it happened! As the glowing, expanding sphere of light progressed by me and through me and moved toward my dog asleep on the nearby corner of the bed and started to make contact with him, he instantly awakened with a noticable start and literally ran diagonally to the back corner of the bed, farthest away from me and the light, behind my sleeping wife. He literally raced ahead of the glow to get back there, and then cowered in place. He didn't just move away from the glow this time; he actually panicked and ran away from it.

I called out to my wife and awakened her (in the traditional manner!) and told her that once again "it" had happened, and she (unsurprised at this point) noted that the dog was indeed plainly terrified, hunkered down in that far corner. So I had seen the glow come into the room in the usual manner, if not the usual color, but the dog reacted more violently than ever before in the past. There was no sound that might have startled it; I was just sitting there in my chair, very still and very quiet, serene beyond belief as it was happening, and only realized that the glow had awakened and frightened the dog *as that occurred.* In other words, I was so relaxed that I didn't even anticipate anything unusual happening and only came to full awareness of the fact that once again my meditations were having a subjective (of sorts) real-world effect, as it happened and not before. The dog's reaction was startling enough to me to bring me to immediate full awareness. I had clear recall of all that transpired. There can be no mistake here: something is happening that is not explained by or even allowed by the normal consensual view of this universe. This place cannot be what it appears to be. I am still not 100% convinced, not a complete "believer," being a skeptic by nature, and so I will still "experiment" along these lines and continue to observe the reactions of my wife and dog, but really, this happens consistantly, every time I see the glow. Not once have I seen it come into the room as it does from time to time and *not* awaken (or at least visibly disturb) either the dog, my wife, or both. This time, it had an even more pronounced effect.

Something unusual and atypical is going on here, and it's not me imagining it. This reality simply cannot be merely dead matter and energy and space and time as we believe it to be, cannot be a "billiard-ball Universe" as we most often conclude that it must be. I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that it must instead have its ultimate basis in consciousness. It certainly seems to me that this universe, this reality, must somehow be purely psychological in nature. Consiousness has to be the ground of all being. Nothing else can adequately explain what is happening to me.