This is A WORLD OUT OF MIND, my Online Journal where I explore Consciousness and the Ultimate Nature of Reality by the intentional alteration of my own belief structures, using Salvia Divinorum and additional self-altering meditational techniques drawn from Western Ceremonial Magic.

I always attempt to adhere to the scientific method as much as possible in my explorations, and while I often speak of these experiences as if I knew they were Truth, I always consider the alternative, that it is merely self-deception on my part, and think accordingly. Thus I maintain two parallel world views at once, one aspirational and one a safe fallback into standard materialism.

The more I journey into salviaspace, the more I think the former worldview is the correct one, but there is no objective way to prove that to the world, so I'll let you, the reader, decide for yourselves.

-Saint Brian the Godless

Follow me on Twitter @AWorldOutOfMind

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Synesthesia Play Gets Real

Two nights ago, 100X, sitting upright in bed.

I'm doing one-point meditation on a point between my two eyes, which seems to raise energy in my body. I see a bright star above my head, a channel of bright light running down my spine, and what looks like a red giant star in my general stomach/perineum area. I sense this as similar to electrical currents running through me.

There is a pale bluish-green field around me, basically covering my whole field of view as I sit in stillness. Like an oval green bubble perhaps. This simmers with tiny sparkles of light similar to static on a television screen. I can see this field and also feel it somehow, in a hard-to-describe manner.

I turn my head to the right and raise my left hand, which is therefore out of my field of view completely. I can clearly see my raised left hand with my skin. Well, perhaps not my skin, but with my whole body, as if my whole body could sense light like the retinas of my eyes, only not nearly as sensitively. I begin moving my fingers in a random manner. I can see them moving. I hold up different numbers of fingers and marvel at how clearly I can see them. I continue to play around with this kinesthesia effect for a while, my mind becoming more and more interested in it, and more and more quiet as a result.

Suddenly I noticed that I could feel my fingers moving inside my head, physically inside my head. I've noticed this phenomena many times before, that any physical movement of any part of my body can be felt in the mind as a "wriggling" sensation, and also in various random parts of the rest of the body as if the feeling is mirrored all over.

So I've noticed that moving my left index finger (for example) results in a wriggling feeling behind my left eye/forehead area, the next finger slightly further to the left, and so on.

While doing this, something new came to my attention. I'm sensing fluctuations in the enclosing green field when I move my fingers. As I play around with that effect, I actually start to see, all over that green field's left side, small shadowy images of my moving right hand! There were many such images, many smaller shadow-hands moving on that green "surface." It was as if it were the wall of an aquarium filled with dense greenish smoke and there were small people inside the tank touching it with their hands. That best describes it visually.

All the hands were moving in a mirror image of my still-moving left hand. More and more of them appeared, causing the effect to expand toward my right side to encompass the entire greenish field. I could see them, and I could also feel them as a moving field of "wriggling" sensations, almost like they were all my actual hand and I was simply feeling them as normal hands. As this area of moving images of my actual moving hand proceeded across my field of view toward my wife, she made a startled noise in her sleep. So I stopped completely. I don't really like waking her up, nor is she very fond of it either.

Then I began again, and again the "field of hands" moved across my vision to my right, got close to my wife, and again she made a noise in her sleep.

I repeated this two more times, and got two more noises.

On the next attempt, as the "field of hands" approached my wife, our dog, which was asleep near her, awakened and started choking and coughing, a lot. More of a violent retching actually. He's a pug, so that's hardly an impossible thing to happen, but the fact that it was so perfectly "on cue" and timed at the precise moment that the field reached him, was enough for me to stop these experiments for the evening. Of course, wouldn't you know it, the pug woke up my wife anyhow.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

How I Think On Salvia (An Example): Feedback Cycles of the Mind

(Typed at 2AM in a light trance-like state)(Speculations on the Self and the Mind)


The nature of The Self is that of an infinite spiral of self-observation.

If one wishes to descend to the depths of one's own consciousness, one way to this end is to contemplate yourself observing the world. At first you look out your eyes and see the world. Then you wonder, who is it that is observing the world through these eyes? Then you say, "I am here, like a small person in my head, observing through these eyes." However then it is incumbent upon you to realize that you are speaking of this small "you" not as this small person, but as an observer of this small person. It is as if now you are standing next to that person in your head describing him. So you now ask, "Who then is observing the person that is observing the world through these eyes?" And the cycle begins. For now the next question becomes "Who is the person that is observing the person that is observing the person that is observing the world through these eyes?" and so on, ad infinitum, for there is always another person observing the person, there is always a deeper level of realization and observation and heightened perspective; it never ends. There is always another person standing next to that little person in your head describing the last one. I've been able to hold six or seven of them in my head at once, but that in no way limits their number, merely my ability to visualize. They go on forever, for how could they not?

In a likewise manner, when you focus on yourself, close your eyes and focus on who is doing the focusing, try to turn your own consciousness back upon itself and "see the see-er" as it were, you create a similar cycle of regressive (or perhaps descending) self-observation, only in this case it's more like a feedback cycle in a sound system. You focus on yourself, and as you observe the being that is observing the being that is observing the being... as you enter into and descend through this cycle, there is a phenomena of energy, a pressure in one's mind, a white noise effect, even an auditory whine verging on the ultrasonic at the edge of human perception. A feedback effect. The more you are able to focus on yourself, the more pronounced the effects.

I'm coming to realize that these phenomena of mental or consciousness feedback cycles, similar to that which is encountered in sound systems, are important to the phenomena of consciousness and even the existence of the self.

As far as we know, only humans ever even think to attempt to become conscious of their "inner observer" or self, so perhaps only humans experience these types of feedback cycles in the mind. Such a cycle seems to give depth to our consciousness, and even a sense of permanence in our minds. The feeling that we are infinite, for example.

Other types of mental feedback cycles can have disastrous effects upon the mind rather than formative or preservative ones; in essence they can destroy the existing mind and re-order it's basic 'wiring.' This is psychosis, or a break from reality, a break from the normal order of the mind, and can be irreparable and dangerous. I've experienced a hint of this type off feedback cycle in the past with salvia,*** and I feel it is the psychological basis of insanity, what it feels like in the mind rather than what it is defined as scientifically. The mental mechanism, if you will. In these cases though, fear is always involved in the cycle. So then you have a random thought for some reason that is repugnant to you or that you very desperately seek to rid yourself from; both fear and guilt can be involved in this desire. The thought repels you, so you seek to *not think it.* This is however futile, for the more you seek to rid yourself of it the more it comes to dominate you, literally feeding off the feedback-cycle of fear until it comes to control your mind utterly and completely, essentially shattering your old frames of reference and creating newer and more chaotic ones. You *snap.*

***This side of feedback cycles spoken of before HERE under "DEMON" and "The Potential Ghost."

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Perception Of Energy

Last night, typical salvia experience, 100X. Typical, but I recall it very well, which is not typical. The more I do this, the better I become at recall.

I inhaled my last hit of salvia and felt that it would be a strong experience, felt the dizzying rush hit me, and suppressed it long enough to get into bed next to my sleeping wife, got into a comfortable upright crossed-legs sitting position, then allowed it to take full effect.

Instantly I sensed my wife's body heat both physically and visually, actually seeing it as a glow and feeling it on my skin as if it were sunlight. It was as if when I allowed the salvia to take effect, someone had thrown a switch and she lit up like a weak fluorescent tube. My body stopped feeling like a body. It felt like I was made of a cloud of sparkling energy, like static on an old television set only three-dimensional. My senses were hyper-attuned.

Looking more-or-less at a point on the wall in front of me, I felt my face dissolve in a cloud of static and saw the wall with my entire facial area as if it were one huge eye. Then the room around me, my whole panoramic view of it, seemed to become a solid thing intersecting with my head, like a solid but transparent cone with it's apex anchored at the very back of my head, interpenetrating my flesh. I could physically feel it as a solid, feel it interpenetrating my facial area and the interior of my head.

My entire reality took on an illusory quality, not unreal or cartoonish but more like a projection, and this included my head and body, so they blended into one continuous static-like sparkling energy field. My point-of-view had also shifted; instead of being "pressed up against the window of my eyes" as it usually is, it receded as if I'd taken a few steps back from that window toward the back of my head. My peripheral vision became clearer and eventually very sharp, though not as sharp as my normal focal point vision is; still, much sharper than normal peripheral vision. I still seemed to be viewing the world through my whole facial area.

Slightly glowing green shapes filled the room, moving about, sometimes intersecting with parts of my body or passing through my head. I could feel them as they touched me, and indeed I could feel them inside of me as they passed through me. At first they moved about randomly but after a few minutes I realized that I could control their motion to some extent, and practiced doing so. It was somewhat difficult. Twice a green shape passed through my torso and through my heart, and each time as it did my heart skipped one short beat, as if it felt it, which it indeed seemed to.

Then out of the corner of my eye to my right as I looked straight ahead, beyond my wife's sleeping body I saw an arm rise up and move about. I could also see it's shadow on the opposite wall to my left, since the light source in the room was a lamp on the dresser to the right of the bed. I turned my head and noted that it had seemed to be my wife's arm that had momentarily moved upwards in her sleep, so I dismissed it as that and re-directed my eyes forward. Then I once again noted the arm moving about, only this time I didn't look at it directly, observing it only through peripheral vision. This time it was definitely not my wife's arm. It grew longer, longer than an arm is supposed to be. It looked brownish and dessicated, slender, almost skeletal, with a claw-like hand. I realized that this should scare me but I seemed to have this machine-like dispassionate inner calm, and so I merely observed it flailing about for a short while, still casting its shadow. All I could muster in response was an attitude of a mixture of confidence, fascination and amusement. It went away.

Then I closed my eyes and started a one-point meditation. Gradually my state became trance-like and I saw and felt an area in front of me darken to deepest black, but a black sparkling with energy, a black field filled with effervescent sparks that seemed to have almost an electrical quality to it, as if it were the very archetype of energy itself. This black sparkling field grew to encompass my face, centered at a point between my eyes, or rather where my eyes should have been. My head was humming with energy. My entire body began to thrum with this vibratory energy as if I were tapping into it, and so I focused my mind on increasing it still more. The black field grew in size, and my head and body felt like strong electrical currents were running through them, albeit in a fairly pleasant manner. I felt like I was being charged like a battery.

In the past when I tried to raise energy like this it always affected my heart as if I were running or exercising, but this time it did not bother me in the least. I felt more and more of this pseudoelectrical energy running through me, originating at the point between my eyes where the blackness was, but I reached a point where no matter the effort that I put into it I could not increase it further, and so it gradually faded.

This latter part of the experience left me so charged with inner energy that it took me two hours to fall asleep afterwards.

All of these things except the spooky raised moving hand and arm I had seen many times before, but I've never been able to recall them precisely enough to write them down. I'm also sure that I saw and felt other things last night that I'm not recalling now.

Altogether a pleasant experience. Well, except the arm. After it was over I thought about that creepy arm moving about, and got a serious case of gooseflesh.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Will Equals Certainty

November 12, 2014, late evening, 100x

I sit cross-legged on my bed, and begin meditating. As always, as the salvia takes effect my world changes, becoming pixelated and less real-seeming, and my mind begins to seemingly blend in with my surroundings. The lighting begins to take on an eerie greenish tint; moving dim shapes composed of a slightly glowing more strongly greenish mist move about the room and occasionally move through me. I know from experience that at higher doses these very same greenish clouds resolve themselves into complete realities, parallel worlds, planes of existence, sometimes apparently even populated ones, moving in random directions through me and around me, and ultimately I tend to just skip off into one of those realities at random and cruise about. Meandering much like a train of thought flits from subject to subject, I pass from world to world, body to body, destined to remember little of it all other than the definite fact that I had experienced these things (and indeed much more) as details seem to slip sand-like through my fingers on returning from these journeys. The more I grasp at them, the more they elude me, until all that's left is clear memories of the sense of wonder I'd felt and little else.

Not tonight, however. Tonight I remain in my body, albeit in a trance-like state of deep concentration, and those realities were barely visible as mere twists of glowing greenish smoke moving about me. I remained like this for perhaps fifteen minutes, perfectly still and enraptured with the sense of incredible inner peace and tranquility that characterizes this stage of the experience, and then I began to become more conscious of the world around me, gradually beginning to think again in a more normal manner. At this point I thought of my wife sleeping next to me, and whether I could wake her up intentionally as had happened several times before in various ways. Without even intending it, but seemingly as a reaction to my thought about awakening my wife, I then felt something like a pressure gradient or a reverse-tension of some sort between myself and my wife's sleeping form, and sensing that I then somehow applied an almost-impossible-to-describe counter-pressure of my own against this perceived force. It was as if I was expanding my own self in a wave of force, like breathing out with the whole body and using my exhalation to push against a similar resisting force. I felt and saw the interface of my pressure and the resisting force as a grayish misty shadow moving like a slow wave from my body towards hers. It was not steady progress, however. It proceeded in fits and starts as I gained and then lost ground. I soon realized that I seemed to be only able to apply pressure when I had absolutely zero doubt that I was able to apply pressure. Zero doubt. Any tiny sliver of doubt in what I was doing, and all progress halted and then reversed.

So I began to practice not having any doubt whatsoever.

After a short time working on it, I started to become consistently certain that I could indeed do this, that I was capable of accomplishing this, and so with that certainty my progress became almost constant and I was able to move the grayish interface more steadily toward my sleeping wife. I doggedly remained certain with only a few tiny moments of doubt which I quickly clamped down on hard, and so after all that effort it finally reached her.

As the wave touched her body and "washed" over it, she started awake. Fully awake. I reiterate, at the precise moment it touched her, she awakened. Precisely as I expected her to.

I immediately ceased all "pressure."

I admit that she had not been asleep long, but she definitely had been asleep, and she's a very heavy sleeper. An ideal test subject in that regard.

(By the way, she was not amused)

Yes, so of course, this is impossible. I know. And yet, it happens. Not often, the mental state required is difficult to attain for me, however it certainly seems to happen every now and then. A bit different script every time, but identical results.

I learned something new this time, though.

Remember that part where I could only apply force when I had no doubt? I now understand what the meaning of "Will" is in a magical context. In the sense that it is used in ceremonial magic, the Will is identical to Certainty. Identical. How certain you are that you can do it, is how likely it is that you will do it. Certitude is Will. Will equals Certainty.

Not that I believe in ceremonial magic. I try to not believe in anything. I see it, at least some of it, as a useful and fairly efficient system of belief-manipulation. Self-manipulation. Self-hypnosis, if you will. The point? The goal of ceremonial magic, at least how I see it?

Certainty, oddly enough. Certainty in the face of rising doubt and an improbable goal. Certainty that a thought can change reality.

Does it? Is it? I suppose these many times that something like this has happened could all be a highly improbable coincidence of some sort, perhaps combined with confirmation bias on my part, but I try to eliminate that sort of thing as much as possible up front, so while I can't be absolutely sure that I'm actually definitely awakening my wife or my dog or even sometimes both with mere thought, it certainly seems so to me. It's a very dramatic and amazing thing when you see and sense your mind just reach out to another person and jostle her awake, and have it happen precisely on cue. Hard to dismiss, I assure you.

I should note that I don't "practice" this and fail over and over and then have it happen and report it to you. I get into the right mental state only rarely, and when I do sometimes it doesn't occur to me to even try anything other than enjoy the experience. No, this state of mind where I'm still in my body but reality seems more a part of my mind than it does an external thing, and I'm seeing the greenish ghosts of other worlds floating around my room, just happens to happen, and then I have to happen to think of awakening my wife, and then it always works. Whenever I can perceive a wave in the air moving toward her, she always awakens when it hits her. It just doesn't happen often.

In the past, as recorded in earlier posts here, I'd awaken her "passively" by merely seeing a wave move through the room and her awakening when it hit her. More recently I am the cause of that wave, and I determine its progress.

Last night I took my last fairly large hit of salvia and sat in my bed. After a few minutes, suddenly a rippling semicircular distortion appeared in the air in front of me and progressed downwards toward the foot of the bed. By chance it happened to contact my sleeping dog, and he immediately twisted his body, made a noise, and woke up looking at me. I then decided to awaken my wife to tell her about this, and I noted that there were many of her, in the sense that her sleeping form was repeated over and over again, progressing in a semi-circle that disappeared over my head. So I reached out the many of my right arms and touched the many of her sleeping bodies and woke the many of her up and told the many of her about it all. Her multiple repeating bodies reminded me of an opened hand-fan, repeating themselves over and over in a crescent as they did. Even while in this vision I could still communicate with her and describe it all. Incidentally, touching the many of her shoulders with the many of my right hands felt like touching a wall of flesh, like a picket fence of bodies; many touches all felt by my many right hands at once.

Still have no idea what all this means.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Two Nights, Two Visions

Night before last, several small doses and then one larger dose, 100X:

I am sitting on my bed cross-legged. The room is almost totally dark, something unusual for me.

As I sit there breathing deeply and regularly, the room around me seems to darken further. Shadows begin to move and lengthen, producing an exceedingly creepy atmosphere. Suddenly I hear noises, the mewling of a child, other children joining in, faint wails of fear perhaps. The room keeps getting darker and eventually begins to distort, walls changing shape, the room no longer a normal rectangular box shape.

This continued and I began to feel a rising panic; something about the auditory hallucinations is more frightening than the normal visual ones. Eerily realistic, I later learned that actual (real) sounds had come from another room where my wife was at the time, but they were apparently distorted during my experience to the eerie cries and moans.

This vision reminded me of the last scene of the movie "Ghost" where the bad guy gets hauled off by demons; the creepy sounds, the weird shadows moving and growing longer, and so forth. A fairly scary experience.

At the point where I had had enough I willed myself to get up out of bed and shakily walked to the light on the bureau and turned it on, and then the overhead light as well. Vision gone.

I think that maybe it's not such a good idea to use salvia divinorum in the dark anymore. I think it tends to bring on darker visions, more frightening ones.


Last night, again several smaller doses and then one larger one, 100X:

This was an interesting but short experience, one I think bears reporting. Initially I had been in the depths of a dreamlike state of which I can recall no detail. It happens. However as I was coming out of it, I clearly and distinctly recall going through a stage of waking up. And waking up again. And again. And again. To be clear, this was not me waking up repeatedly and then going back into my sleep-like state. I would awaken, feel myself waking up, see the room around me, my wife and dog asleep on the bed beside me, and then I would realize that this wasn't it yet. What I mean to say is, I'd awaken in my room, realize that I was still "in vision," then wake up again still in my room, once again realize it wasn't real, and do it over again, and again. Each time the room seemed or "felt" a bit "realer" although it certainly looked the same, until finally I awakened one last time to the "real" room. Or was it? No way to tell, really.

The interesting thing is, I can find no difference between any of the previous "false" ones and the final one. They were all equally realistic but in the earlier cases I just sensed somehow that it wasn't the realest one and continued to awaken over and over until it was real enough. Only then did I stop.

I wonder if I could have awakened yet again. I wonder if all the rooms that I saw were as real as the last one I chose. Each awakening felt much as it does when one normally awakens from a dream, and each room certainly seemed completely real... however then I'd awaken yet again and be in another totally realistic "dream" of my room that I again needed to awaken from.

It felt like all versions of my room including the last one, were dreams, and yet, I'm still in that last one, aren't I?

LATE ADDITION EDIT: I realize that I neglected to make something clear, something very important about the above experience. All those times I awakened, I opened my eyes, ***but I had never closed them.*** I opened my eyes, then opened them again, and then again, and again, over and over, never having once ***closed them.*** This is what made the whole thing so incredible in the first place. Important point.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Cough Interrupted

Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Cough Interrupted

I haven't written in a while, mostly because there was nothing really new to report. I still consistently get multiverse visions in which I exist as a "cloud of me's" all in one location, with many pairs of eyes, many bodies, many minds, but with a core personality if you will, one central part of my mind that is in common perhaps, with all of my minds. My vision skips around between the many versions of myself, between my many pairs of eyes, so reality seems to jump around a lot as I see slight differences in my surroundings. Again, I can clearly see *and* feel many versions of myself in one location, with slight variations due I think to them existing in different Universes with very slightly different outcomes. Perhaps in one my head is in one location, but in the next it's a half-inch to the right. That sort of thing.

I said that there was nothing new to report, but last night there was. While sitting in this many-minds state, I suddenly felt a strong tickle in my throat that presaged a cough, no doubt due to the fact that I'd just smoked. I didn't want to cough, because I was in such a serene place. That's when I noticed something quite remarkable. Not all of me needed to cough. Let me re-phrase that. Most of the versions of me needed to cough, but I noticed outliers that had no tickle in their throat, no need to cough at all. So my focus quite naturally went to one of those, and I literally felt the other versions that needed to cough "move away" somehow, not in space but in probability. I now occupied one of the versions of me that felt no need to cough, and indeed, I no longer did. I even tried to cough, to see if the irritation was still there. Nope. Gone.

This corresponds with other phenomena I have seen and felt, and indeed explains them. Awakening the dog or the wife, for instance. I am not awakening them with psychic energy. What I am doing is selecting one Universe out of the many in which they happen to awaken, focusing on it, and "becoming" it. Causing it to become my primary Universe in which I exist. So it then happens as if I had psychically caused it, when I was only selecting that outcome out of the many, perhaps infinite possibilities.

When I am in this "many-minds" state, existing as a superimposed cloud of "myselves" all in one location, I also pick up on what seems to be interference between Universes. Hard to explain. It's like sometimes I see many, many universes at once and it fills my mind with the sheer amount of data all coming into my visual cortex at the same time. Overload, if you will, seen as an incredible solidity, multiple planes of existence all concentrated in one look, one glance. It fills my mind with overlapping data, or so it seems. It feels like all reality becomes solid and is interpenetrating my mind. It reminds me of a feedback whine in a sound system somehow.

When I am in "many-minds" I always ask myself if this can be just a guy smoking a drug and warping his mind, and I always come back with a resounding "not possible." It's far too real, too glaringly realistic, and too bizarre a thing to be just imagining it. What seems instead to be happening is that I am ingesting a substance that alters my perceptions in such a way as to see what is normally *suppressed.* Salvia seems not to cloud the mind, but to reveal things we normally refuse to see, or simply cannot see. Things far too basic to our existence to even question. The flow of time. How we progress through time, not by staying in the same Universe, but by constantly selecting new Universes in which what we desire, or *fear,* is already happening. Those sorts of very basic things we all take for granted.

All possibilities exist, and seem to actually have some kind of existence, even if unrealized. This is very hard to grasp, even for me as I live it, being able sometimes to see it happening.

More Adventures In The Multiverse

Friday, June 27, 2014
More Adventures in the Multiverse

I seem to always get multiverse type visions now. I carefully dose myself so that I only hit the margins of a deep trip, skirt around the edges of one, then I feel my whole mind split into many minds.

Last night was amazing. The bureau near my right side, the corner of it I happened to be looking at, became many corners forming a staircase-like shape as it extended into more and more versions of itself. This is not my vision, not my eyes in other words. I can feel one of my minds behind each pair of my eyes, in each universe, if you can believe that. I can clearly feel my mind split up into many minds. This used to disconcert me, but now I actually find it rather pleasant to contemplate many realities at once with many minds at once.

It's not like "double vision only more than two." It's not just the visual effect, definitely not. It's multiple minds, one to go with each of the multiple images that I see. I was relaxed and experimenting with it in the moment, and it passes all tests I can throw at it. It's not a visual thing, it's definitely my mind becoming many minds, all running in parallel.

I see, touch, feel, sense many realities all 'stacked up' on top of each other, and in each one, there I am meditating.

I even feel my mind being replaced with a new almost-identical version, over and over again as time passes into the future. It's very subtle, but I'm so still inside that I can feel it happening.

So in addition to all the multiple universes with multiple minds to go with them, as time passes I clearly sense *discontinuities* of my own mind. It ceases to exist for a microsecond and there it's there again, but it's not the same one as before, it's slightly different, not my old mind with new thoughts, but a new mind containing the new thoughts. It's replaced from second to second, but in "normal mind" I cannot sense the transitions so it appears to be continuous and steady.

Is this what thinking is? Selecting the next proximate universe in which one has their next thought already?

In these meditations I also feel myself thinking with those many minds at once, skipping around from mind to mind as I think. To be honest, not only do I not know if I end in the same mind that I started with, but I actually doubt it very much. I'm pretty sure it's real, and that when I end, it's in a different version, a different reality than my old reality, if it can even be said that that "old reality" existed at all as we like to think of it existing in the first place.

I think we access many minds at once all the time. I think that's how the mind works, by accessing many versions of itself all the time. We literally skip around all versions of reality that are nearly identical to this one, all the time, and think it normal.

More to come soon on this and other things. I've been keeping notes.

The Salvia Divinorum Experience of "Many Worlds." Is It Real?

Tuesday, May 20, 2014
The Salvia Divinorum Experience of "Many Worlds." Is it real?

In all my salvia divinorum experiments, I still have not proven anything as regards the question "is this purely an hallucination?" vs "Is this my mind leaving my one body and experiencing many of my bodies?" Is it all just my mind tricking itself, or is it actually experiencing something, well, for lack of a better term, paranormal?

Because lately, most every time I take it I experience multiple locations at once, multiple "me's" at once. Even feel my body weight bearing down on the chair in many places, many of my bedrooms, at once. It's exactly 50-50 to me if it's a real effect or not. It certainly feels very real, realer than my normal life in fact, but then I factor in how easily we silly hairless apes trick ourselves, and that ties it up again at 50-50. I mean, no way to prove it to myself definitively either way.

One thing for sure though: Even if it's all just fake, I've seen things, experienced things, that I would have never have thought my mind was even remotely capable of faking. I think in a non-human way on salvia now, most of the time. "Non-human" is the best way to describe it. Many thought lines at once, approaching a question from many angles at once, like a group of people all doing it at once on a "party line," incredible flows of convoluted information that no one mind should be able to accomplish or sustain. These lines of thought are also non-verbal. They are pictorial and emotional in nature, but complex concepts actually come much easier in this atypical modality. Non-verbal pictorial, emotion-based convoluted thought-lines that occur in simultaneous "packages" if you will. I stand amazed of that, every time it happens. No way to even accurately describe it to you, it's too different from how we think normally. Maybe like a hive-mind. But I love it. I admit that. I love the amazing feeling of basically accessing many of my own minds at once and thinking not as a man might think, but as a God might, if such things existed.

I should note that I still disturb the (sleeping) dog or the wife or even my son from time to time, although I consciously try not to. Can't prove that, though. I can't do it on purpose. It only happens when I'm in "too deep" to even think of any preconceived plan. So I must remain a skeptical experimenter rather than a convert. Maybe it's my skepticism that prevents me from going further, but I can't totally abandon that, not ever in my life, so I'll still muddle along.

It's never boring.

For instance, here's an example of "Things I Shouldn't Be Able To Do:" I have a ceiling fan. Set to medium speed, which is fairly fast, I can sit in my chair, and on only a light dose of salvia, I can focus my eyes in front of me on the wall, and not move that focus; then, with my peripheral vision alone, never moving my eyes, I can focus on one single moving fan blade above me and easily track it around in circles, my attention never leaving that one speeding fan blade, with my unmoving eyes not focused anywhere near it. I can thus accurately count the RPM's of the fan over my head while looking into my wife's eyes and having a conversation with her about it!

Or I can focus on five, six, or even more points on a wall at once, again with no eye movement. No need to move the eyes, I just move my *attention* and that is not like visual focus; it allows more than one foci at once with ease. And when I say "at once" I literally mean it. My attention does not flicker from one point to the other. It divides into many foci, all at once. And my peripheral vision is very different, much sharper, at all foci.

Just a couple of the many, many phenomena I get to experience. I feel, to be honest, very lucky to have ever found this substance.

On (light doses of) salvia I can experience literally anything that you've ever read about any Yogi experiencing, and more. The so-called "Rising of the Kundalini" for example. It can feel like it practically blows the top of my head off in a rush of white light. I get to experience all that directly rather than just reading about how others have done it after 20-30 years of meditation practice.

(Interestingly, when I do that, the rising of the energy thing, or just normal intense meditation, the crown of my head gets sore, and remains sore all the next day with no salvia in my system)

I also experience something like layers or strata, that my consciousness passes through. Laminations, even. The wild thing about them is, as I pass through one of them, it's like I hear many, many conversations at once, like literally hundreds of people all talking at once, as if the layer was made up of informational content! And I mean, like you're in an auditorium and everyone's having a conversation at once. Again, I have no words to really get the reality of it across to you. I read what I'm typing here, and it's not even close to the experience, but it's as close as I can come. Frustrating.

If you're reading this online journal and have had experience with salvia divinorum or any other psychedelic substance, I'd very much like to hear about it and discuss it with you, so please post your first experience, or your wildest experience, or your most significant experience, or whatever you want to share, into the comments section. See, I started this blog for two main reasons. The first and foremost was to have a journal that I would keep my experiences in for my own perusal that was also accessible to others, and the second was to be able to discuss those experiences with said others of like mind. I really am looking for conversations here, and not just an audience for my ego to preen itself in front of. So thank you in advance for saying hello and sharing.

Doing Some Research

Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Doing Some Research...

I haven't posted anything here for a while, not because I'm not having any interesting salvia experiences but because I've been pursuing an idea, using small doses along with meditation in an attempt to clarify something I've theorized. It's the idea that we are the average of our experiences in all universes, that we actively experience an infinite number of multiple universes at the same time, all of them in which we appear, but each version of ourselves can only remember experiencing that which makes sense in light of the one averaged-out gestalt universe which we are accustomed to believing ourselves a part of. With infinite number of universes happening at this moment in which I exist, what I remember depends on the statistical concentration of universes that are mostly like this one that I (this version of me) seem to 'follow.' My consciousness does experience all the others, but none of them in sufficient statistical prevalence to make a salient impact on the average experience of the many that do not substantially differ one from the other. What I experience as reality is therefore merely a statistical concentration of similar universes that happen to mostly agree one with the other; my consciousness mostly disregards the infinite anomalous ones and notices only those that fit in with what I consider a rational chain of events that follow logically in this universe.

Yes, as you can see, this is very hard to pin down, very difficult to express in words. I'm honestly not quite getting it, not quite communicating it accurately, but I don't think that words exist in any language that will accommodate the true scope of it. Very frustrating, actually.

I'm not nearly convinced yet that this is the case, but I keep getting hints that it may be. Last night I found myself (on salvia) randomly thinking of a chain of events which I had experienced, none of which I can recall now, but a chain of seemingly real events that I eventually realized was totally foreign to my "actual" experiences in this reality. They were making complete sense to me at the time, but what I realized about them at the end there was that they didn't make any sense at all to me in my normal state of mind, because they didn't fit in with my life experiences. Those events that I seemed to be recalling were utterly foreign to my actual experiences, or so they seemed to be. It was as if I were momentarily conscious of an alternate-universe version of myself to whom those events made perfect sense, because that version had had another life into which they fit. As soon as I realized this, it was like the thoughts immediately started to fade out, very rapidly. It was impossible to hold them, and in fact very difficult merely to recall that I'd had such an experience at all. It's like it's forbidden to remember that which does not fit.

I have also noted on several recent occasions that it seemed that my mind was very much like a radio, tuning into one station at a time, and that sometimes on salvia I seem to be able to change the channel, to tune out from this reality and tune into a different one, or even many at once. One time a few days ago the reality that I tuned into seemed to be like some sort of "underchannel" or more accurately perhaps, a "master frequency" that permeated all universes like a series of back doors connected to secret paths in an infinite woodland. Yes, visually it was like being in an infinite forest, with infinite paths going in all possible directions, all very shaded and green and with a general feeling of happiness accompanying the phenomena. It was quite profound.

Somehow I sense that all these apparently disparate things connect. Somehow I will make sense of it. Too often have I sensed directly that what I consider one existence is in reality a superposition of many existences, and I can't seem to let that go.

Thanks for following my quest. Hope to write more soon.

Inside Outside

Saturday, February 8, 2014
Inside Outside

In your imagination, do you ever wish that you could meet people and talk to people? Actually, I mean. So that they'd remember it, too, and talk back. Telepathy. Against the rules of reality, though.

Or is it? I am talking to you in my imagination right now. The only difference this is from telepathy, is that you agree that it's just a computer. You agree that this is not in my imagination, and not in your imagination, but in our mutual reality.

Well, I was just thinking (on salvia) a few minutes ago and I realized that my imagination is everything that I think, the totality of my "inside world." And when I see a room around my body as I do now typing this, that room is in my imagination, too. This computer is in my imagination. It's inside of that imaginary room I just talked about.

My imagination is an infinite sea of thoughts and visions and dreams and stories and plot lines and songs and happiness and sorrow, intense visual scenes and bizarre vistas, and mundane, normal things. I can think of any and all of the things in it, because it is my imagination.

There are parts of that vast inner world however, where I find other beings apparently, much like me, only where I am imagining them, they are also imagining me, and where those two things intersect, we agree that what we are seeing and what we are doing, is real. We agree that each other is real.

I found an island in my imagination, and there are people there, and we all agree that that island is real and is definitely not imaginary, and we are very happy about that. Since it's the part of my imagination that we've decided is real, I concentrate on it a lot. I tend to kind-of live there.

Maybe there are other islands in my imagination where I will find other beings that will agree that their tiny part of intersection with my imagination and theirs is real, too. What fun! Imagining each other into being. For it's all just in my imagination, only you are there too. You see me and I see you and we both agree that this part of our imagination, this island where we find each other, is definitely real, and so are we. We're as real as this part of our mutual imagination has managed to explain and justify to us.

Reality is the part of my imagination that everyone else believes is real, too.

In my inside, I found the outside.

Multiple Plane Overlap

Sunday, February 9, 2014
Multiple Plane Overlap

Last night, sitting meditation in upright chair, 100x. Eyes closed at first, then later opened as I came back into my body.

I was very relaxed and calm, when I was suddenly immersed in a maelstrom of sensations that at first was very hard to decipher. I was totally wrapped up in it for a while before I even thought to try, but as I slowly came back to my senses while still in it I realized that what I was experiencing was nothing less than many, many realities all overlapping mine simultaneously.

This is, once again, almost impossible to describe, but the best that I can do is to say that it was a very clear realization of multiple realities all in the same place, as if instead of being tuned to one radio station somehow my radio was picking up all of them at once and playing them all overlapping in a mish-mash. I could see and sense and even feel kinesthetically somehow, many realities all stacked on each other, on me, on the space that my body and mind occupied; a very large number of “other spaces” all at once. Not all of them had me in them; many were occupied by other people, strangers, and perhaps some had other, different versions of me in them, hard to say. Many were definitely occupied, at any rate. Conversations were going on in some of them. I could hear them at the time, but their content was lost to me later, as often happens with salvia.

It was like being underwater in a way, a feeling of being immersed, but not in water but in multiple planes of existence. I did not see and feel one reality after the other sequentially; what I saw and felt was many realities all at once, like superimposed immersive videos. Many seemed to be a version of my room; many were different, seeming to not even be my room at all. Some seemed to not even be inside a building, but outdoors. I could clearly sense other beings, other people being present in many of them, just living their lives, doing things, talking, and so forth.

There were so many realities superimposed one on top of the other that I couldn’t begin to sort them out enough to find the one that I was originally in at first. I was lost in them, in a sensory overload of information stacked on information, senses of people and places that were all superimposed in the same place at the same time.

This was very different from my many experiences of me being personally in multiple planes. In a way it was the opposite. In those experiences I was present in many places at once, in multiple bodies; in this one many “places” were present simultaneously around only one of me.

It was as if I had consciousness of not just my one reality, but all parallel realities that existed in the same space, and there were a lot of them.

Slowly as the salvia effect wore off, I saw/felt my familiar reality getting “louder” in the sense that it was as if it was occupying more “bandwidth” in this experience, and as it started to stand out to me against all the other planes of existence, I concentrated on it and then suddenly I clawed my way (metaphorically) back into my body and my room, like slowly clawing my way out of a river onto the safety of its bank.

So there I sat in my chair, having not moved a muscle throughout all of this, with the maelstrom still raging in front of me but lessening moment by moment, and as seemed to recede, to lessen, those now-familiar glowing lines of spatial distortion began to twist the very space in my bedroom into folds and ripples. As this started to happen, in that exact, precise moment I heard my dog who was sound asleep on the bed all this time about six feet away begin to cry out with soft muffled barks in his sleep as if terrified, and then wake up.

This happened (as usual) at the exact, precise moment that the lines of ‘spatial distortion’ began to twist around the room. As soon as the softly glowing lines of distortion began to reach the approximate point where the dog was sleeping, he started to whine, and then awakened.

This was also in no way premeditated on my part. I didn’t try to awaken the dog. I had the overlapping-realities experience, and then as the room began to distort afterwards, the whining of the dog was just there, acting as a counterpoint to the strange visual effects of the room twisting.

I was motionless and silent as a stone all the time.

So once again, my sleeping dog was awakened, and clearly frightened, by my salvia hallucinations.

I don’t think they’re hallucinations. My skeptical side is starting to have real problems dismissing the fact that the dog or sometimes my wife and the dog are clearly and fairly consistently being disturbed by what science would say was a man sitting in silence having a hallucination.

I think that somehow the effect of the salvia along with me being in meditation, instead of causing me to see things that aren’t really there, are causing me to see things that are really there that my mind was filtering out before. That everybody’s mind filters out.

Again, the only logical conclusion to this is that the Universe is not what it seems, that it is more likely some sort of communal dream state, one with multiple planes of existence. Perhaps a Type III or IV Multiverse, only based in consciousness as it’s ground. Multiple simultaneous intersecting and overlapping communal dream states. After all, my dog isn’t the one taking salvia. If this were the kind of Universe that most people think it is, one of actual matter and energy and time and space, then no other being should be able to sense my visions in any way.

That is clearly not the case. And this is not confirmation bias. It's too consistent and dramatic to be that. I've pretty much ruled that out.

Still a mystery, though.

Fortunately, I like mysteries.

Traipsing Through The Afterlife (lucid dream)

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Traipsing Through The Afterlife (lucid dream)
I am driving to a nearby city to meet a friend of my wife’s, on an errand. It’s a clear, sunny day. I approach the apartment complex that she lives in. I have never been here before. It is very large, much larger than I’d anticipated. It also has more the look of a professional building to it, or perhaps a hospital. There are several large main buildings; I approach the one given in the directions. I park my car and enter the building.

I walk down long corridors. There are people everywhere. It’s filled with people. It’s definitely more of a hospital, but somehow that doesn’t disturb me. I’m here to find room number 6N.

I ask directions of a passer-by; he doesn't seem to know, or really that interested in answering me. He seemed a bit "out of it."

Perhaps it’s a mental hospital combined with geriatric care? So it would seem, except for the ridiculous number of visitors. Every hall is crowded, every room filled, every space bustling.

I finally find someone, an employee, who guides me to the correct room. I had been on the wrong floor apparently. The elevator was very crowded, and we had to wait in queue for several minutes just to get one. We rode up several floors.

The room was off a narrow hallway with a great room nearby, perhaps a nurse’s station and recreation area combined. The door is open, but there is no-one inside that would fit the description of my wife’s friend. What was her name again? I look at the slip of paper that my wife had written the room number down on, but she had neglected to write her name. I should remember it, but I don’t.

The room is not any kind of an apartment. It’s more like a hospital room. One patient in a bed, several people visiting her. So this cannot be the right room.

Suddenly a maintenance worker, perhaps a janitor, hails me by name. “Brian!” An elderly black man in janitor’s clothing is calling to me. He is standing in the hall a short way behind me, near a public telephone on the wall. He hails me again, so I approach him. I’d never seen him before in my life.

“Brian! Good to see you!”

“Hello. Um, where do I know you from?”

“I remember you from that book that you wrote!” He mentions a title but I didn’t catch it, and it didn’t sound familiar anyhow.

(I have never written a book. Even if I had, why would he remember me personally from reading it?)

We chatted for a short while, but he never revealed anything more about said book or our supposed previous acquaintance. I eventually asked him if he knew where room 6N was, and he informed me that I was in the wrong building.

I said to myself “Well, that makes sense, because there’s nothing residential about this one!”

We said goodbye, and I walked back toward the elevators. When I got back to them, I was dismayed by the long lines of people waiting to use them. I said ‘to hell with this’ and found a stairwell.

I walked back down the four floors (or so) to ground level down a crowded stairwell. I had the thought that I should call my wife to ask her the name of her friend and anything else more that she could tell me, but when I took out my cell phone, it was not mine. It was an unfamiliar model, not a smartphone, with few buttons, and no clear indication how to dial out. I was dismayed that I’d apparently somehow dropped my phone and picked up someone else’s.

Still searching for my phone, I find two others on my person, neither one mine, and both with no apparent way to actually dial a number. Too few buttons, and concealed keyboard on one that meant little to me. I tried a couple of buttons, tried to enter my wife’s phone number, but nothing happened.

I continued walking, somewhat disturbed by all these developments.

I eventually found someone that informed me that the building that I was seeking was accessed through the back exit, so I left out the rear.

The view from out the rear entrance was a collection of buildings, large and small, leading down perhaps a quarter-mile to a waterfront with massive barges anchored in place to extend the useable surface area of the shoreline, and collections of stores and restaurants and other large edifices, with a railway and transit station or something similar. There was even an entire fenced-in abandoned carnival with Ferris wheel, in a sad state of disrepair. There were people everywhere, except in the carnival apparently.

Seeing no building such as was described to me, I try to walk around the building that I just exited to its front, but the walk seemed to just go on and on, past the railway with railway workers busy doing whatever it is that they do, past many more large open spaces crowded with people and more buildings and roads and even vehicles. Busses. My walk just kept revealing even more large vistas with more complex buildings and of course, more people *everywhere.* I was constantly threading my way through crowds.

Strangely, the people all seemed incredibly apathetic, dazed even. Sad. Wistful.

There seemed to be no clear path to the front of the original building; in fact I could not even be sure that the building that I was walking around *was* the original building at that point. I felt as if I could walk forever and never get anywhere at all.

People were everywhere. Walking, sitting, talking, going about various tasks in a mechanical fashion. Many were just sitting around doing nothing at all.

I began to realize that I could not get back to my car. That indeed, I could not find any indication of any parking area anywhere. A slight panic began to set in.

I reversed direction and went back to the back area, the waterfront with the barges. It was a very long walk, but I eventually made my way back there.

There was a large open area there that I'd seen before, unpaved, with picnic tables in rows, crowded with people. I began to walk down the center of that area toward the waterfront.


I turned at the sound of my name being called out. A young woman approached me, having been seated at one of the tables. “Brian?”

I did not recognize her. I’d never seen her before in my life.

“Brian! How are you?”

“Hello. I’m fine. I’m afraid that I do not know who you are though. Have we met?”

“You don’t remember me? We worked on that political campaign together!”

(I had never worked on any political campaign in my life)

“Um, no. I can’t seem to remember you. Sorry.”

We began to talk.

“What is this place?” I asked her.
“-I don’t know.” (she seemed confused)
“How long have you been here?”
A slightly panicked look crosses her face, then confusion.
“-How long? Why, I don’t know. I don’t know…” (Seems very confused now)
“-…I don’t know how long I’ve been here. It could have been years.”

It could have been years. It could have been years?

Then it began to sink into me. I started to put it all together in my mind. It all clicked.

I was dead. She was dead. This is where dead people go, at least at first. Some sort of waiting area perhaps. Everybody here, was dead. Unaware of it, but dead.

“I think we’re dead” I informed her. "I think this is some sort of afterlife. We're all dead..."
-"Oh, really?"
She seemed accepting of this, strangely. No arguments. No sign of fear or apprehension. Complacent, even.

We walked around some more together, conversing a bit, and as I looked around at the crowds, and at her, I began to realize that it wasn’t so much apathy that I was seeing, but people living totally in-the-moment, with no recollection of the past unless someone like me happened along and questioned them about it or otherwise jostle their memories. It would for instance not occur to any of them to eat, since they felt no hunger. It would not occur to any of them to question their present circumstances either, since they were existing in the present, with no thoughts of past or future. This is what I was seeing. Semi-amnesiac people with no thoughts of the past or future, just *being* in the present moment at all times, doing whatever felt right in those circumstances in that moment, and nothing more. No panic, no happiness, no sadness, just being there, in a daze.

I thought of my wife, whom I would apparently not be driving home to now. Did I crash the car on my way to meet her friend, and wind up here in some strange apathetic vestibule of the afterlife? Perhaps.

I can’t find my car. Why is that so familiar to me? What does that mean to me?


Suddenly it hit me. I’ve been in this place before, or at least in many places like it. I often dream of a strange place full of apathetic people where I cannot leave, cannot find my car, or bicycle, or whatever mode of transportation brought me there; and cannot find any way out. In my recurring dreams, I come here often.

Having had dreams like this before, I had taken the time to condition myself to take special notice of the concept “I cannot find my car.” To realize, whenever that happens and I am lost and can’t find my way home, that it is a dream that I am in. A dream, but one that happens to me over and over, with variations on the plot, but the basic concept the same. One that happens to me so often, that I installed precautionary measures.

“I cannot find my car”

This is a dream.

I became fully aware at that moment.

From that point onward, it was a lucid dream.

But, what a dream! I looked around again with new eyes. This was no dream, surely! It was just as detailed as my waking consciousness, just as realistic. The sun shone overhead, the buildings, the water, the people all so clear, so real. All the details were there, even a slight breeze. I actually began to doubt that I was right. Surely this was not a dream, could not be a dream… It was as real as what I call my reality. Just as real, even knowing that it was not. I took my time to look around, at all the activity, all the people, all the details. Wow. Maybe the other dreams were premonitions of this, and this one was real? Maybe I am dead?

Then and there, taking no more notice of my companion, I knelt there on the dirt and closed my eyes and began to meditate. To meditate within a dream, to awaken from the dream.

I closed my eyes and willed myself to awaken. I knelt there for a while, concentrating on awakening. Or perhaps more accurately on remembering my reality, my life, which is how I awaken from a dream, or from a salvia vision for that matter.

There. That's it.

I felt no transition at that point. I merely opened my eyes, and got out of bed.

You see, while I don’t have visions of the afterlife on salvia divinorum, I do have them in my regular dreams ever since starting to take salvia divinorum. Recurring dreams of a limbo-like afterlife heavily populated by the recently departed, and perhaps also by those yet alive but asleep and dreaming, all willing to wait forever in their state of ‘life-in-the-moment’ with no sense of anything but their present millisecond of being, of doing whatever they're doing, hence no panic, no fear, no regrets, just sitting around waiting for something while not being aware that they are.

This one was by far the clearest and most detailed of all such dreams that I have experienced, and so convincing that I almost bought into it myself. Almost.*

So was it merely a dream? Maybe. Then again, maybe this reality is one, too. It certainly seemed no different in kind from my waking life except for unlikely details that seemed to fit in there but would not here.

Why did I meet people that knew me from events that had never occurred to me? Another good question.

Maybe none of this matters. Maybe it matters more than almost anything else. No way to tell, till I finally die and see for myself.

Ironically, if it’s really where we go after we die, I doubt I’ll notice then, either. I’ll be too busy being in-the-moment.

*As to the detail of this dream, upon reading what I've written above, I realize that I provided a noticeable lack thereof. Not so in the actual dream, I assure you. All details were filled in; where they are omitted is where I cannot remember them. I do however remember that they were all there, because I recalled most of them immediately upon awakening, and in those few minutes that I had before they slipped away, I made the effort to at least force myself to remember the fact that those details were definitely all there. I conversed with a few more people in passing, I saw many more details of the buildings, the waterfront, the inside of the Hospital, and the crowds. Even surrounding forests in the distance, if I recall correctly. It was all very coherent and clear as glass. So clear that in point of fact, upon awakening from it I experienced as severe a shock as if you, reading this, were to awaken right now at this moment, awaken from this reality, or rather this dream of a reality, awaken in some other reality, a familiar one that had merely slipped your mind, and realize that this reality here where you are reading this now, was just a dream, too. That level of shock.

How would that feel to you?


Friday, January 31, 2014

A collection of short accounts of some incredible salvia divinorum experiences that I’ve had, both bad and good:

-The Current of Life
Deep in an eyes-closed vision, I am a detached viewpoint exploring my own mind, hovering in the vast cavern of my imagination, floating here and there, trying to get closer and closer to my central “I AM” point, floating higher and higher, when I saw a glowing current of a liquid-like substance flowing in “mid-air” overhead like a current of luminescent water. It seemed no more than perhaps a couple of feet across, so a fast stream and not a river. Fascinated, I realized that I could not only see it but feel it somehow, perhaps interact with it even. Resonate with it. So I concentrated on it and attempted to slow it down by willing it to be so. It obeyed my will; it was a part of me. I saw it start to slow as I had desired, and immediately I felt a strong arrhythmia in my heart. I immediately ceased my attempt, it returned to its normal rate of flow, and the uncomfortable sensation in my chest immediately ceased. I tried gently once again to slow it, and once again my heart lurched in my chest. That was enough of an experiment for me.
Make of it what you will. I have no heart problems.


-The Manuscript
In an eyes-open vision, standing in my room facing my dresser, I see a rip in reality happen right in front of my chest, maybe a foot away from my chest, perhaps a foot wide and a couple long, aligned long-axis vertical. Through it, through that rent in space, I see my own left arm and hand holding a single page of paper as if to read it. I could also make out a room into which I peered, but with little detail except a sense of antiquity, of age. My actual left arm was at my side, as was my right, however in that room in that reality as seen through that rip, I *was* the person holding that document. It was my arm. I was looking out another man’s eyes, but it seemed to be a version of me, albeit a different version.
It was seemingly from a manuscript or perhaps some old official document. It had a rubric at the beginning. Perhaps even an old Bible page. The writing was hard to see, so I focused my eyes more willfully upon it, concentrating on the act of focusing them and putting intention and will into the effort. The words started to come into focus, and just as I was beginning to be able to read them, I felt cardiac arrhythmia once again, as in the previous account above. Another forbidden thing? I had to be sure, so cautiously I once again began to focus my eyes on the words on that page, and once again, the heart flutter. Then, as if someone had explained it to me all in one instant, in a direct insight I realized that this was the choice that I had before me. Focus on that reality, and die to this one as you *go* to that one.
I made my choice. I’m here, aren’t I?


-The Room As Energy
I am in sitting meditation in a deep vision (eyes closed) from which I am just returning. I feel like my body is pure, crackling, static energy. I open my eyes, become aware of my surroundings, stand up, and walk out of my bedroom into the kitchen area. The room around me becomes increasingly “static-y” and I begin to see it as a three-dimensional volume of pure energy, see it in its translucent glory as arrangements of small bits of energy, alive with motion and sparkling scintillations. It was very beautiful, but maintaining my ability to remain focused was becoming more difficult. The trance threatened to take me yet again. I looked down and saw my body as much the same as my surroundings, made of these small parts, each part a unit of energy, an arrangement of building blocks of thought, all working together to form this reality and my own body within it. The room and my body were all an illusion before, the illusion of normalcy, of matter and surfaces, of solids and liquids and gasses; what I was seeing now however was the reality behind that illusion.
And it seemed to me at the time that something didn’t want me to see that, or if I did see it, didn’t want me to remember it.
I felt my body becoming increasingly ‘static-y’ and non-coherent the more I retained focus, and felt crawling sensations all through me; tingling feelings all over verging on tremors, as if a stronger and stronger electrical current were running through every part of me inside and out. It began to border on the painful. I began to feel weaker. I was determined to remember this, but I knew that I would not if I did not record it somehow, so against what my body was telling me (lie down on the floor now or DIE!) I staggered over to where we kept some pens and sticky-notes and grabbed one of each, and in barely legible shaky handwriting I quickly wrote “It’s all made up of little parts” and underlined it, put it down, and collapsed. It was the best I could do, but it turned out to be sufficient to the purpose, because later on upon reading it, it all came back to me. I managed to write it, but I sensed that I was risking my life in doing so, because it was incredibly difficult to force myself even to stand up and it felt like I was fairly close to death, and yet I forced myself and kept forcing myself until I’d finished writing that note to myself. It seemed at the time far too important an experience to forget.


-Physical Death Preview
I was doing a meditation in which I was very deep inside my own mind, but I do not recall the nature of this meditation, just that I was apparently fiddling around with something that I shouldn’t have. I remember that I got to a certain point where I had the option to do a certain thing, whatever that was, and I started to do it, when I felt the scariest sensation of my whole life. I felt my body start to die. Now, I’m not saying that it actually was, but I was definitely feeling it as if it was. I felt tiny bits of consciousness all over and through my body, indeed apparently composing my body, start to just *wink out* like snuffed candles.
My own kinesthetic body sense seemed composed of small areas of sensory feedback, all combined to make me. Millions of them. Well, what I was feeling was those tiny centers of consciousness that make up my gestalt consciousness, disappearing. Poof!
They were my body sense, but also my mind itself. I felt small parts of it shutting off, literally going away, like bubbles in a full tub popping and slowly disappearing one by one, and if I let it continue I’d be gone altogether soon enough.
It’s hard to capture in words how this felt. How would you feel if you look down at your body and pieces of it started to go numb and fall off? This was pretty similar, and very scary indeed. Parts of me were simply shutting down. This seemed to me to be just about the worst case scenario for whatever one feels as they’re actually dying, the terror of just seeing it all go away, the terror of feeling parts of your mind simply ceasing to exist, and you along with it.
Of course as soon as I ceased whatever the hell I was doing, it just stopped. That one, I didn’t bother trying again just to be sure.


-The Sword
Sitting in trance in a straight-backed chair, eyes open, staring upwards at an angle. I had been meditating for a few minutes, and I was in an intermediate-deep state. I saw hints of motion above and in front of me for a few seconds and I wondered what would appear, but that’s all I had time for when a brightly glowing arc-shaped line of energy that resembled nothing less than a very large curved sword swiftly descended point-first from the upper left (my left) side near the vicinity of the ceiling and stabbed completely through my body on my left side just below my ribcage, exiting out the back and going into the chair. It was instant excruciating pain! I felt it stab completely through my body, seeming to exit just above my left kidney area, pinning me to the chair. I clearly felt the blade inside of me, and the pain followed its path all the way through my side from the skin on the front of my body to the skin on the back. AHHH! That really, really hurt.
I sat there, pinned, and did some breathing exercises and gradually both the sword and the pain faded away, but I came away from the experience thinking that it seemed as if one of my other versions, a doppelganger in some other plane of existence far removed from mine, was just killed by a sword, or at least gravely wounded, and I felt it all happen somehow.


-I Lose One Of Me
Meditating lying down, ample light in the room, in trance. Suddenly and with no warning I see and feel a glowing “ghost” of myself, perfect in every detail but translucent and glowing a dim greenish light, exit my body to the left, as if I’d been lying there with two “me’s” perfectly superimposed in one body and one of them just decided to leave.
I felt this “other me” roll out of my body to the left side into the solid wall there, as one might roll off a bed. Inside of my body it felt like half my atoms all left at the same time. I felt a real body, as it seemed, a duplicate of me, leave me.
I felt diminished, “halved” even, and thought “I’ve heard of astral projection, but usually you’re the one projecting out of your body, not the one left behind!
Perhaps it was a rare instance of me being conscious of a splitting point where my universe divided in two, and one of me “went thataway…”


-The 90 Degree Turn
This is truly one of the most amazing and startling things that has ever happened to me on salvia.
I am sitting cross-legged on the bed, in a moderate trance, facing the closet at the end of the bedroom.
I am meditating on the point between my eyes.
Suddenly, I rotated ninety degrees to the right. Not my body, no. That remained perfectly still. My consciousness inside of my body rotated smoothly to the right while still inside of my body, and then my face seemed to part the skin of the right side of my head near my ear. I felt something like an elastic membrane parting for me, and then I saw another identical room there with the closet in front of me just like the first one! I could still see the old room, situated at 90 degrees to the new one! I was in between two identical rooms in two (nearly?) identical universes; that was the only explanation. So I popped out of my “old body’s” side completely, leaving the old room behind forever, and now there I sat, still in the identical position, having not moved at all physically, still facing the closet; but I knew that it was not the same closet in the same room, because I had seen the old one and the new one at 90 degree angles to each other before I allowed myself to completely “come into” this new one.
So there I sat, still cross-legged on my bed and facing that closet, totally stunned by what had just happened to me. I had not moved, had not twitched a finger, but my consciousness had rotated to the right and moved into a new cross-legged version of me in a new version of my bedroom. WOW.


-The Broken Room
Sitting meditation, cross-legged on the bed, eyes closed. I had just had a somewhat ‘bad trip’ wherein I was stretched into a long elastic sheet and fed into what seemed like a pulley, knowing that when I got to the pulley thing I would “pop” and be destroyed, sensing somehow that this has happened to me many times before. Visions like that are fairly common; being destroyed, atomized, ground up to powder, rolled over by a huge wheel, that sort of thing. Other salvianauts commonly have them too.
Then on coming out of it, I sat there on the bed and opened my eyes. The room was very still and quiet. Then I felt and heard slight tremors and vibrations. Suddenly the room started to literally fracture all over; the walls cracked, and the entire room twisted as if in the hands of a giant. Through the cracks and fissures, clouds of purest blackness started to seep in, what I call “the Outer Darkness,” like clouds of perfectly black ink seeping into a room filled with clear water. I could clearly hear the room fracturing and twisting. This displeased me, so I willed it all to slow down and stop. Then there I was, sitting there, fully aware, eyes open, looking around the room. The cracks were still there, but were no longer progressing, and the clouds of Outer Darkness were still there frozen in time as it were. I looked to my right where my wife was sleeping. A crack had appeared in the wall behind us, between me and her. A cloud of Outer Darkness hung frozen out of that crack, totally obscuring my wife’s face and head from me. Other, large cracks were all over the walls and ceiling, all with pure blackness frozen in the act of seeping through them. The room itself wasn’t even a regular rectangular room shape anymore; it was twisted out of line.
This was not my first encounter with the Outer Darkness. The first time, in meditation, I saw “flames” of it seeping through a shadow on my wall, and watched them flicker for quite a while; the second time was similar but I willed them to come to me and actually spent some time playing with them in my hand, little black flames flickering and dancing on and among my fingers. My wife came into the room at that time, and I asked her “You don’t see these, do you?” nodding toward my open hand. She of course didn’t see anything, but to my eyes they were still there, practically frolicking on my hand. I've never felt more like a sorcerer in my life.
On a couple of other occasions I’d also seen them seeping through small cracks in the room, but never like this Broken Room experience.
Incidentally, I’ve read of shamans speaking of the “outer darkness” or “outer blackness” and beings who dwell there, so that’s why I labeled it that in my head.


-A Woman’s Voice
Sitting meditation in a straight-back chair, medium-deep trance, eyes closed. I was visualizing all of creation as a vast cloud of consciousness with the external parts, the outer surfaces if you will, being where we are to be found, as if we lived in just the ‘crust’ of all reality. I then felt a presence, and clearly heard a woman’s voice say something like “yes, this is how it is.” I felt that she was a real being, not my imagination, perhaps even a personification of the ALL. So I thought a bit about what I wanted to say next. I then asked her, “What then of the World’s Pain?” and imagined all the pain and suffering and heartache and death and destruction and terror of this world as I asked it. She replied in the saddest, most resigned tone imaginable “It is unavoidable. It is how it is. Such a pity. Such a shame.”
That’s it. Still, very eerie, let me assure you.


I’ve felt like I was dying in several ways, felt my consciousness fade away, been ground to powder, stretched like a rubber sheet and met a Demiurge-like being that was very scary in a satanic kind of way a couple of times, but nothing compares to this for sheer terror.
My Worst Experience on Salvia Ever:
I am standing in my room after a trip, looking at a large quartz crystal that I had on my dresser. It’s a very rare and unusual specimen that I bought on a business trip to Minas Gerais, Brazil. (I am a gemologist by trade)
It was a “phantom” crystal about five inches tall, clear, but with a milky-white lamellar phantom in it. This is another quartz crystal embedded in the larger one, and it was separated into flat planes so it looked like a layer cake. It’s the only one I’ve ever seen or even heard of, and a minerologist that I showed it to was mystified by it as well, as was my local mineral-collector's club.
So I’m staring into it, and something made me have a very, very bad thought. I will not tell you what that thought was, but it was completely unlike me to ever think such a thing. Let’s just say that it was incredibly evil, and involved homicide. The worst thought that I could think of, basically. Awful, disgusting, sick. Not like me at all; I never think such things.
I’m still staring at the crystal as I’m having this thought, and as soon as I had it I thrust it away from me in disgust. That’s when it got really strange. The thought just got stronger! I was starting to literally panic as I tried again and again to rid myself of the thought, but all of my panic simply fed the thought, and it grew and grew. My fear fed it. My attempts to not think it, fed it. I thought to myself “What if I actually did that horrible thing” and that really fed it! Every single thing that I could think of to get rid of it, fed it. Stronger and stronger it became, and as it did, the air in front of the crystal started to take on a strange, pixelated look, then geometric shapes started to form there, odd moving geometry that I could somehow sense was literally causing my mind to start fracturing and breaking like glass. I was going mad! This vicious cycle of thought was shattering my mind! In stark terror now, I could see that it was getting the better of me, and if it won, I’d be stark-raving mad, and even possibly commit acts of disgusting violence, so I really “clamped down” on it and forced myself to *forget the whole thing* by physically moving my body around and turning my head away from the crystal, and other self-distracting physical actions, all the while willing myself to another line of thought. That finally worked, but it was a battle. Phew!
Ever since then, I’ve understood psychosis intuitively. I get it now. It’s a feedback cycle, fed by every attempt to rid yourself from it. I “get” madness now. I really do. The mind is capable of getting involved in a negative feedback cycle from which no apparent exit is possible, and all attempts at breaking it only feed it.
I was utterly terrified the whole time. I’ve even gone so far as to “install” safeguards in my mind against such a thing ever happening to me again. I’m confident that it won’t.


-The Potential Ghost
This occurred shortly after the Demon experience outlined above, so I was prepared for mental feedback cycles.
After a salvia meditation in my bedroom I walked out to the kitchen to get a drink. Afterwards as I was walking back to the bedroom, I paused and looked down the hallway. It was very dark in that hallway, and the fact that I’d just done salvia made it look even darker, with more suspicious shadows. It just looked creepy.
So I had a thought that I would try a ‘belief experiment.” Staring down the hall, I (intentionally) thought of how creepy it was, focused on that, and thought that perhaps I could even see movement in that hallway. I was thinking that perhaps seeing ghosts was also a feedback cycle of apprehension or fear, at least sometime, and I wanted to try it. So there I was, looking down the hallway, when I clearly saw a swirl of movement. I allowed myself to feel the “creepy factor,” allowed myself to feel apprehension. Maybe a ghost would appear, maybe I’d see something really scary or gross, maybe maybemaybe… now I was feeling a slight level of actual fear, but only because that was my goal, to feel exactly that.
The swirling started to solidify into a form. A moving form. A human form.
So that’s where I called it, when I ended the experiment. I shut down the feedback cycle in my mind forcibly, the figure disappeared, and I walked down the creepy hallway to the end, now confident that there was nothing to fear. And there wasn’t. So I went back to my room and fell asleep.
I’m fairly confident now that many psychoses, and the hallucinations of the schizophrenic, are in reality just such mental feedback cycles.


-Sitting Up While Lying Down
I often meditate sitting up in a straight-backed chair near my bed. So there I was one night, meditating on salvia after tripping out, in a relaxation phase afterwards. I was sitting there upright, my eyes closed, slowly coming back to being myself. After a few minutes of this, I opened my eyes to an astonishing sight: Tonight I was not sitting down in my chair, that’s not what I had done. I was lying down flat on my back in bed. However, I felt myself in an upright, sitting position as if in my chair. My actual body was flat, my legs stretched out in front of me on the bed, but that’s not where I felt them. I felt my legs down beneath me, my feet on the floor. But there’s a bed underneath me! My legs were out of my body, as it were, and were interpenetrating the bed. I’d simply forgotten that I’d gone to bed before this meditation and misremembered it as a sitting one. So there I was, feeling myself in an upright sitting position while actually lying on my back, and I even had some time, a few minutes perhaps, to contemplate this weirdness. Slowly as I tried to sense my actual legs and not my “astral” ones, the latter faded away and my senses returned to normal; now the legs that I saw were at least the legs that I felt!


-Pure Gnosis; the Highest Ascent
This was an unusual meditation as I was using certain OTO (OrdoTemploOrientis) energy raising techniques to achieve a very high state of gnosis. It worked.
Eyes closed, deep trance, but aware and cogent.
In the meditation I built my energy up to a peak and released it, launching my consciousness straight upwards.
Suddenly I was flying up and up, through many, many layers that felt almost like I was traveling up through geological strata or something similar. Upwards and upwards my consciousness flew, faster and faster, until I felt myself break through a final layer, a final barrier, and my head and shoulders apparently broke through the floor of a room somewhere. It was as if the floor of the room, while normally solid, was like water to me, and I splashed right through it, just as if I had been on the bottom of a deep swimming pool and had kicked off and then broke forcibly through the surface of the water into the air. I only had perhaps a half-second to see the room, and then I fell back into the “water” of the floor and sunk back down to my body resting in my bedroom, but what I saw in that room bears mentioning: It was a long room, seemingly of modern decor, minimalistic, with an opening at the far end onto a small courtyard perhaps. The courtyard was in full sunlight but the room was somewhat dark by comparison, albeit still easy enough to see in. There was a woman standing about five feet in front of me to my left, one or possibly two other people in the room farther away, and at the farthest part of the room away from me where it opened into the bright courtyard, a man was standing.
It was just as if they were there going about their business, perhaps socializing, in that room, when suddenly I broke up through the floor and interrupted them. They all turned to face me very quickly, as if very startled. The man near the courtyard turned, the woman near me turned, the one or possibly two other figures turned, all seemingly very startled as if in shock to see me there. I got a sense then, from them; a feeling, an intuition, that they were all thinking “this should never happen!” It wasn't like they didn't know what was happening, either. It was as if they knew exactly what was happening and what I was, and they didn't like it.


So that’s the end of my little baker's dozen of miscellaneous weird salvia accounts. Hope you enjoyed them.

A Few New Meditations (and one trip report that was different)

Wednesday, December 11, 2013
A FEW NEW MEDITATIONS and one trip report that was different...

First, last night, meditating as usual, sitting upright in a chair this time.

I find myself seemingly pressed up against a flat surface. No, wait, I seem to be a part of that flat surface, seem to be involved with it somehow. No, more like my face is pressed up against it, but somehow at the same time I can see it like it's several feet away. It’s not like a membrane this time. (Not the first time I’ve encountered such flat surfaces)

This time it is like a wall. And the wall has a pattern to it. It seems to consist of hexagonal cells, not unlike a honeycomb. My first thought was “chicken wire!”

The wall itself seemed a neutral color, maybe a beige-ish, but the pattern had a glassy whitish-clear sheen to it. It was shining. Not so much glowing, as shining. It was extraordinarily regular and showed no deformed hexagons. It was as regular as if made by a machine, and by that I mean nothing except as a comment as to its extreme symmetry. I could see the diagonal lines intersecting at 60 degrees that were formed by the coincidence of their edges, and they were very straight lines.

So that was interesting. Since I’d never seen it before, something in the back of my mind alerted me that it was a new phenomenon, and I pulled myself out of salvia space by repeating the words “chicken wire” out loud, over and over, so as to keep the memory of it with me.

Second, a few new meditations!


The Candy Bar

(This sounds rather silly, if I may say so myself, but it's worth doing)

Sit as usual, calm the mind, and eat a bite of your favorite candy bar or favorite food, preferably I think with nuts, as protein seems to be part of this. It needs to be something that you really find delicious.

Continue eating. Finish it.

As you do this, concentrate on the sensation of tasting it. Of eating it. Of all of your bodily sensations as you chew it and swallow it, piece by piece.

When I did this last night, just thinking to have a snack right after a trip and then turning it into a meditation, I could see a distinct reddish glow starting in my mouth as I tasted it and spreading rapidly (and concentrically, oddly enough) throughout my body, and I felt that glow as well. It was almost like a head rush, but more of a “body rush,” I think.

I could see it spread throughout the black sparkling void that is my body as a reddish glow, and I could feel that glow tingling as it spread.

It was like you could feel pure energy being absorbed into the body, and not the mere taste and absorption of food.

Head Sense

This is pretty basic, but it is fun in the sense that it reminds you that you even have a body, while you’re in salvia space.

In meditation with salvia, lower your head and hold it in your hands. Explore your scalp and all around your head, front to back with your hands, especially the back. Now, sense your mind inside of the head that you are holding. Note how your mind, your brain, exists only between your hands, but your hands seem to partake of that consciousness; indeed seem to be equally conscious.

This, and the next meditation are very interesting meditations in that they force you to consider your physical body while in a state where it is very difficult to do so. I also get a real visual sense of my hands touching my head, which is interesting when you consider that I'm seeing them as reddish-black umbras, even at the back of my head. It's a novel thing to seem to be seeing out of the back of your head.


Similar to the above, but this time more like ‘body sense.’
Sitting in meditation, fold your arms across your chest, hands underneath. Grasp your own body at the sides of your chest with thumbs on chest. Feel the sensation of holding your own body as if from outside. Alternately you can hold your own body at the sides with thumbs in.
Like the above, this gets interesting, in that while you can feel your head, or your body,
it doesn’t feel like that body is the physical limit of your mind, or at least not to me. You almost need your hands to even tell where your body actually is.

Profoundly Deep State

Saturday, December 21, 2013
Profoundly Deep State

Night before last, sitting on bed meditating, 100X.

I reach a very deep state of meditation, deeper than any before. I feel like a field, like a mist; my body is nowhere to be found. I have no body. I am this vibrating field of energy, hovering above my bed.

This state remains unchanged for over an hour. I didn't even feel the time pass. How I remained in this state for so long when inhaled salvia smoke only produces an effect that lasts about twenty minutes is beyond me. It was a state of bliss. I remember wishing that it was my natural state, that I felt like that all the time.

My mind is diffused; I can still think but it feels like my whole being is thinking rather than just my mind, or that my mind is my whole being.

My thoughts are foreign. The way in which my mind is thinking is foreign to me. I am not thinking like a human. It's far more complex. More involved. And I seem to have all the time I need in this state. More time than ever before.

I feel at home in this state, as if it were just as natural as my normal waking mind, perhaps more natural even.

My mind seems to be integrated with the room around me. As if I am using my surroundings as part of my mind. As if the room is thinking with me.

I feel a sense of control, a sense of sureness, of certainty, of confidence.

My wife is sleeping peacefully next to me. I have not moved a finger in an hour. My body is so still that I forget it exists.

I think of her, sleeping there two feet away. I decide, I make a decision.

I send a wave, a ripple, a warp in reality, at the recumbent form of my wife, to awaken her. Why not?

I see it, a fold in space, whip out from me, from my whole body, and impact upon my sleeping wife.

She immediately starts awake, as I absolutely knew that she would. Fully awake. We talk. She has no idea what woke her up.

I seem to be gaining more control. Question is, over what exactly?

What does this mean? There is a mystery here, and I have no idea how to solve it. I am accomplishing something that is considered absolutely impossible in this world by almost everybody, and I am doing it with more and more regularity. It's becoming routine.

And yet, what is going on? How is it accomplished?

In a universe of matter and energy and space and time, this is not possible. It cannot happen in that kind of place.

Thought can have no control over inert matter. No effect. In such a material reality, my thoughts or visions have no way in which to affect the thoughts of another person, no way to create the necessary physical or energetical changes in dendrite firing or axon transmission. In a purely physical reality, this cannot be.

So this is not that kind of universe.

More and more it becomes apparent and obvious that this place is a dream, or more accurately a communal dreamlike state.

How else can this be happening? How else could this work?

I am not certain of course, but I don't think that there is another way, another possibility.

How else could this happen?

Additional Information:
(added same day, December 21st)

I thought of some additional details to this experience that I thought might be important.

During the meditation I had my eyes closed at first and then open well before I decided to awaken my wife. At that point the room was clearly visible, but everything was unreal, like a dream, not like regular reality. I knew that it was reality, but it had the qualities of a dream. Everything was composed of shimmering energy. I felt in control as if it were a lucid dream in which I had mastered the experience. It frankly felt unreal, but real at the same time.

When your eyes are closed you seem to see a space in your head; consider this inner space your "Inner Viewscreen" if you will, on which you imagine things, on (or in) which you normally visualize things in your regular day-to-day life.
During the latter part of this experience I felt that everything, both what was inside my head in that inner space and what I had heretofore considered outside of my head which I normally perceived only with my senses, were both equally inside of my head, both on that "Inner Viewscreen" of the imagination, melded together seamlessly somehow, with little demarcation between them. Both seemed equally imaginary, so much so that in fact I was for a short while somewhat bothered by the fact that I had actually awakened my wife as I had planned, because it seemed to prove her, and everything else for that matter, to be all just figments of my imagination, in the worst solipsistic sense possible.

However, as Monty Python said, "I got better!"

The Universe of Partial Being

Tuesday, December 31, 2013
The Universe of Partial Being

Several nights ago, 100X, meditating while lying on the bed. I was intentionally shielding, or more properly enclosing myself, erecting imaginary barriers so as to not disturb others asleep nearby with my meditation. I'd been working on this because as you know if you've been keeping up with my adventures, it happens a lot.

I had an unusual meditation wherein I was lying there flipping through universes. I wasn’t even that conscious of it at the time, but I was flickering from one plane of existence to another, just for the fun of it. It seemed natural. Like changing channels when you’re bored.

The thing that made me realize that that was what I was doing is when I suddenly found myself in a universe or parallel plane that seemed to be one in which the very force of being was diminished, in which the very force of my own personal being was diminished.

Suddenly there I was, still lying down as I was in all the others (and in my original one) but everything was lessened somehow. The pattern was still there, still accurate, my room was the same, my body was the same, but the “realness” of everything was greatly decreased, including my own.

It was rather disturbing, to be lying there and feeling starved for life force, for lack of a better term. I was craving more existence. It wasn’t just me, either. I felt that everything in that place was less real, and not in the sense of feeling unreal like a dream might feel unreal. No, less real as if “realness” were a measurable quality and I was used to living at 100 percent and suddenly found myself at 50 or 60 in an almost completely indescribable state of partial being.

I was half a ghost.

It was similar to the idea of being short on air, gasping for breath, but my mind was gasping for more reality instead. My body and mind was craving it like oxygen. There just wasn’t enough of it there to satisfy.

It felt like a complete parallel world like all the other ones that I “visit” regularly in my journeys with all the details of this one, but a shadow of itself, a shadow world in which I was in a state of being a shadow of myself, still myself but much noticeably less so.

I got the strong impression that these partial worlds exist, that such shadow universes are out there, and that I had happened upon one.

I also felt that feeling of familiarity; I’ve visited a place like this before. How strange.

Once I’d had enough, I shifted out of it in the same manner that I had shifted into it, and was back in a place that could support my being in the manner to which it was accustomed. Phew!

It was a very strong experience, quite frightening actually, and one that I think has something to teach me.

I only wish I knew what it was. Can it be that such places exist out there somewhere in the infinite web of multiple parallel psychological realities?

Very strange place that I don’t really care to visit again.