This is A WORLD OUT OF MIND, my Online Journal where I explore Consciousness and the Ultimate Nature of Reality by the intentional alteration of my own belief structures, using Salvia Divinorum and additional self-altering meditational techniques drawn from Western Ceremonial Magic.

I always attempt to adhere to the scientific method as much as possible in my explorations, and while I often speak of these experiences as if I knew they were Truth, I always consider the alternative, that it is merely self-deception on my part, and think accordingly. Thus I maintain two parallel world views at once, one aspirational and one a safe fallback into standard materialism.

The more I journey into salviaspace, the more I think the former worldview is the correct one, but there is no objective way to prove that to the world, so I'll let you, the reader, decide for yourselves.

-Saint Brian the Godless

Follow me on Twitter @AWorldOutOfMind

Thursday, July 13, 2017

"My Two Gods" plus "Possible Falsification Of The Monad" and a Multiverse Afterlife Speculation

(Note: It's been a long time since I've written to this journal. I've been demotivated to write in this political climate, but I feel the need once again. Sorry for my long absence.)

>My Two Gods

Six months ago, I had two experiences, about two weeks apart. Both of these were incredibly profound and the latter one was fairly scary as well. Both were in a darkened room, with a bluish-green light source. (I vary the color of the light source for different kinds of meditations now.)

In each, I basically met God personally. No wait, hear me out.

On the first night, sitting in meditation, a very large "being" for lack of a better word, approached me quickly from my left side. It was very large, perceivable through the walls and floor and ceiling of my room, like a glowing mountain-sized amoeba. I'd met something like this BEFORE.

This time, the being grabbed me. What I mean by this is that it came at me and engulfed my body about halfway, so that I was partially embedded in it, stuck fast. I could not move. The left half of my body, the half that was embedded in it, painlessly dissolved into it so that I felt like I was partially-digested, almost. I was integrated into it somehow. I felt like I was a tiny fly half-stuck in amber.

Then the communication began. None of it verbal, all fast-moving pure concepts thrown into my mind, pure understanding without language. I could see what I truly was. This being was showing it to me. After all, I'd been asking for my entire life.

This experience reduced me to a mere thought in that being's mind, nothing of what I thought that I was, no real body, all false, all a dream. I was just a thought, a piece of information in this being's vast mind.

I could see myself, but what I saw was not a body, but a symbol. It reminded me of an Arabic numeral, the number seven (7) only was more ornate, with "hitches" or slight curves to the top, horizontal part. I was this symbol, and nothing more, not to this being.

Along with my symbol, I suddenly saw many other such symbols and was made to understand that these were all the other people in the world. Also merely the thoughts of this being.

So I was not alone, this was not solipsism. This was worse. Even I didn't exist. Nobody exists. Not as anything more than this being's thoughts.

And yet I was not dismayed. There was a beauty to this. At least I could understand it.

Towards the end of this experience I asked the being, out loud "How do I know that you're real and not my imagination." As I finished the question, in less than a second, my air conditioner started to whine loudly. On cue.

Now, my air conditioner whines occasionally. However, not very often. So it was a bit scary and rather convincing that I got an auditory reply to my question.

And then it was over, except I still had that "embedded in another being" sense afterwards, which gradually faded over the next hour or so.

Incredibly profound, and it left me with a very positive feeling. A sort of lasting euphoria. That persisted until two weeks later, when, in another meditation, the being returned, but now it was angry.

Again I was embedded, as before. This time however the being showed me clearly that it wanted me to stop meditating on salvia, forever. I was in no position to disagree at the time. It was like I was in the jaws of a tiger and it was telling me what to do to avoid being eaten. For that was the implication, that the being would simply stop me, by causing me to die. At that very moment. So I agreed.

It released me.

Apparently I lied to it, because I decided not to stop. I haven't had any more experiences with the being since. Truly, it's been hard to trip at all since. It's like my mind refuses to succumb to the beginning of the experience so I remain lucid. My rational mind dominates me too much to trip.

This added to my lack of desire to write about my experiences. I seem to be getting over it, though.

I think these experiences, had they happened to anybody else that did not prioritize remaining linked to reality and not succumbing to beliefs, those people would have been transformed by them, believed them, and become a believer in God, at least a Deity of sorts. I did not.

This brings me to another important thing: I am not a true believer, at least not yet, even with these two incredibly realistic and profound experiences. Here's why:


I've been thinking lately about how we perceive reality, the scientific view, that is. Science tells us that each and every one of us constructs a "dream" that is literally our only waking reality, based on the data we receive from our senses. So when I see another person, what I'm really doing is interpreting sensory data in signal form from my optic nerves and **translating** that information into a dream-form of the person I'm looking at. We only think we directly see things, directly sense things, but science tells us that this is not the case. We construct a dream of reality and confuse it with actual reality, which none of us has ever truly directly seen. Same with all the other senses. Our mind has no "direct contact" with reality, other than a hyper-realistic dream we all construct representing it.

So, this is science. Not mysticism. This is how we see reality: We actually don't. None of us do.

Taking this scientific fact into consideration, I think it is possible, under deeply altered mental states produced by various means including drugs and meditation, to become able to perceive that your reality is "nothing but a dream" and still be wrong. You may be merely perceiving the fact that, yes, reality is a dream to all of us, because that's how the brain processes sensory information, by constructing a dream to fit it. You may be perceiving the actual dream of reality in all of us, not some overarching dream reality in the mind of The One, or a Monad of some kind. We ourselves may be the Monad. Our own minds may be the culprits here. We may be merely perceiving our own World Dream, not an actual dream-based reality but a necessary evolved function of the normal mind required to integrate sensory information.

This would also neatly explain why so many people who use psychedelics and entheogens report that the experiences seemed "realer than real life." When you consider the fact that your "real life" is a constructed dream based on sensory information and you're looking under the surface of that constructed dream from an altered state that is more basic, closer to your inner self than your constructed dream is, of course it looks "less real." It is! We made it! At some level we realize it isn't real.

Now, do you think that I believe that?

Of course not, I don't believe anything, remember?

I just wanted to make it plain that I do truly retain my rational side throughout these experiences.

I also have had so many experiences in visions and meditations with salvia divinorum that have seemingly affected reality, from awakening my wife or dog on cue, to things like the air conditioner whining or other sounds perfectly on cue like that, that I must still remain neutral and uncommitted. Once I simply took my salvia, the "rush" hit me, and all the lights in the house went out for about 4 seconds. An actual power outage, rare here.

Another thing: Lately I'm also directly sensing, while meditating, that mathematics is involved in my own mental processes.

I'm beginning to directly sense the mathematical nature of thought itself, so I think it's possible, as stated in previous entries here, that mathematics, not consciousness per se, is the "ground of all being." As in, we're all literally "made of mathematics." Everything is math.

To read more on this idea, again I present this link to Max Tegmark's BOOK.

However, what does this mean, if true? It means that all our most emotional experiences, even love, and all our most abstract thoughts and imaginings, are still "merely" a flowing, incredibly complex mathematical process.

(Such incredible complexity is to be expected when considering the vast spans of time involved in our development.)

It means that all consciousness is a mathematical process. All consciousness is mathematics. Therefore, mathematics can be consciousness, or even conscious. Therefore certain aspects of our mathematical reality can seem to be consciousness-based when they're really mathematics-based.

As I've said before, what can you think of that would still remain if you eliminated space, time, matter, and energy?

The only thing I can think of that quite possibly cannot *not* exist, is mathematics.

Food for thought, no?

>An Afterlife Speculation Based In The Multiverse

Science, specifically physics, tells us that the past is real. We can never journey to it, but the past, at least according to our best mathematics, is still "there" somehow. If we could go back in time, there would be time to go back to.

Think of the implications.

All our memories of the past... we're still "back there" making them. We're all still alive in the past, experiencing, perhaps over and over, those remembered experiences. If I could travel back to my past, I could see myself making the very memories that I carry of that time in my head.

When I die, science tells us that I will still be alive in my past.

We are all still alive in our past timelines after we die. Quite literally, forever.

Now, let's add in the concept of a multiverse, since this seems to cry out for one. Let me explain:

If I die, but I'm still alive in the past, it is *possible* that I, or rather my consciousness, will merely, as I expire, return to a previous time that I can remember in my past.

But then there would be two of my consciousnesses there. Or would there be?

What would likely happen would be a split, a divergence of universes, creating a new one in which I explore a different path. A different future. A different death. And the cycle continues. We'd all explore an infinity of paths forever. Literally forever.

Ahh, sounds kinda nice. Certainly better than many religions.

Do I believe it?

You know the answer by now.

I wonder if I'll ever truly believe anything, ever again. Best not to, I think. Too dangerous.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

A Flick Of The Finger

Warning: I fully realize that this report is difficult to believe. I agree. However, this is how it happened, and even though I was in an altered state, I was not incoherent nor lacking in self-awareness, especially toward the end of it when the most unbelievable parts happened. As to the "finger tap," frankly it's the part that I remember best, since at the time it shocked me greatly. I'll never forget it.

Two nights ago, sitting upright in chair near my bed, eyes open. 50X, third dose. Also employing OTO techniques to raise energy.

I am relaxed and feel vast flows of energy coursing through my body, especially in a straight column from my sacrum rising to the crown of my head. As is typical when I first dose myself I start to feel a sense of slight discomfort, as if subtle objects of some sort, barely visible, barely real, are interpenetrating my body everywhere, over and over.

I have been at this point many times lately with no clear visions following it. I believe I am developing a psychological resistance to them, or rather to the mental state necessary to get them, which is a delicate halfway-point between wakefulness and immersion. Tonight I increased the dosage slightly. This worked, better than I had planned.

I felt my attention start to drift a bit, then I noticed movement around me to my lower right and to that side. I re-focused immediately and saw etherial, ghostly images of myself repeated over and over down my right lower side and rising up in the distance like a wave of my doppelgangers, many, many versions of myself sitting there, over and over. I could also feel them, distant echoes of my own body's sense of kinesthesia.

It was a very long line of "me's" all sitting there in the same position as I was. I've been in similar visions before, albeit this was the clearest this effect of multiple "me's" had ever been. As has happened before, I could feel myself *shifting* between one body and the other, my consciousness "taking a step" to the right and passing through the skin of my body and entering the skin of my other body seated to the right. Like passing through a membrane of darkness. Or maybe more like that membrane passing through me. I can even control this, moving instead to my left if I so choose, or not moving at all. The line of my bodies appears infinite. The (minimal) movements of all my other bodies echoed mine perfectly... until they didn't. Suddenly everything *shifted* and they either changed to or were replaced with a large (but much smaller) group of similar human-looking but not very detailed bodies clustered haphazardly around me, their movements now independent of mine. Now I was no longer certain that these were alternate versions of myself. I seemed to now be the center of their (my?) attention.

These *beings* seemed to be looking at me, discussing me, even trying to communicate with me in some way, verbal or nonverbal I couldn't tell, because I could not hear them, nor could I see their faces. Some short time passed, perhaps thirty seconds, and then I felt the need to apologize to them for not taking salvia divinorum seriously enough, or something related to that. (This part is not clear in my mind). It seemed like this is what they were trying to say, that I needed to be more serious about it. Not sure why or how they meant that, though.

This continued on for a short while, and then the effect of the salvia started to wear off a bit and I became much more curious about them even as they began to fade, my normal curiosity having been much suppressed during most of this experience, as is typical for these things. They seem almost completely normal somehow at the time and it's only later you realize how abnormal they really were. So as I was feeling more and more curiosity and wonder at these beings still barely visible around me as they were fading away, I felt something on my right hand that was loosely hanging off the end of the armrest. My right hand that was hanging nearest this group of fading netherbeings.

I clearly and distinctly felt someone flick the underside of my ring finger, moving it, lifting my finger perhaps an inch upwards momentarily.

That's correct, I'm saying that one of them touched me physically, flicked, and physically moved my completely relaxed finger. My finger hanging in open space with absolutely nothing near it whatsoever.

The feeling I got when that happened was a combination of absolute amazement, and being extremely "creeped out." I cannot stress how clear and sharp this experience was, how distinctly I felt someone tap my finger with theirs. It's not like it's a feeling that's easy to mistake. At the time it was simply impossible to doubt it had happened, any more than you would if I flicked your finger in the real world.

So there I sat feeling amazed and spooked, and then I noticed that I could see a glow around my hands, and it was really beautiful, and for all intents and purposes looked like what I've heard an aura described as. It was all around me. I could even manipulate it a bit, extend pseudopods outward a few inches, make it swirl about.

After perhaps ten minutes of experimenting with that, the effect began to fade.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Core Implosion

I do not write often to this blog, because I only like to write about the most unusual experiences, and don't like to repeat myself. This (double) experience is highly unusual for me. Something completely new.

And for the life of me I don't know what it means.

Very well then, let's get to it:

Several nights back, in deep meditation, but a very light trance state. Totally coherent. I could easily have held a conversation were there anyone else in the room.

First, as always happens, the room around me, including my body, became "pixellated." As if the room were a 3-D television screen, and everything in it, including my body, were composed of glowing pixels hanging in space, vibrating. I even feel a distinct buzzing or humming in my entire body.

I maintained my upright sitting posture and just opened my mind to it all. I observed, but did not think. I just absorbed. No distractions.

So the room is full of what looks like television static, visually a light grayish-white glowing field of millions of tiny dots with perhaps a hint of green. And there I sat, for perhaps ten minutes, buzzing with energy.

Suddenly I noticed movement off to my right. A new "field" of static pixels was entering the room through the wall. A large wall of these pixels, a vast shadow, approached me, entering the room through the actual wall of the bedroom, interpenetrating the already-existing field of pixels that comprised the volume of space around me. It slowed as it approached me. It's size was immense. I could see it even through the walls and ceiling of my room, extending up and down and to both sides. It was like a vast, dark mountain was sliding closer to me, and I had this sudden feeling that I had called it. The approaching "mass" of darkness was smooth and slightly convex, bulging slightly, not flat like a plane. Enormous, towering, gigantic. It stopped, almost touching me.

I know this sounds insane, but I got this incredibly strong feeling that this was some sort of "transcendental intelligence." That it was a fellow occupant of the vast mind we call reality, not the author of it, not the creator of it. Not a deity in any way mind you, but as if it were "the next level up" from our reality somehow. A higher-order intellect. I got an impression that it tends to ignore us, like we are a lesser, smaller kind of intelligence in the vast dream of reality. Not unimportant, not unknown to it, but generally escaping its notice as it thinks of more important things.

But it had noticed me. And so it had approached me to see what I was.

It was not like being in the presence of a god, because it wasn't anything like what we think of a god, but it certainly was something as important as a god. So I felt chilled, awed, yet not at all humbled.

It meant me no harm.

I was a bird in the garden, off the beaten path, and it was wondering what I was singing about, so it came to check me out. And no, I don't mean that literally. It's as good as any analogy, though.

I remember an exchange of information of some sort, then it left, back in the direction it came. However, I have no clue what that exchange of information was.

And that was that.

That's a lot to handle, though.

Having no memory of the exchange, and yet feeling nothing negative about it or the gigantic presence that I had both seen and felt, I consciously attempted to contact it again the next night. Same meditation, same state of mind, sitting there in my bed, upright, crossed legs.

And this is where it gets even weirder, if that's possible.

In this state of pixelation, for lack of a better word, I see the inside of my own body as a field of very dark pixels, almost black. Darker than the pixels of the "being" that visited me. I feel them as well, as energy. I tell you this now because suddenly and violently there was a loud audible *crack* like a gunshot, and a sphere of this darkness that is inside of me, a sphere of it perhaps three to four inches in diameter, a sphere that was centered on my physical heart, suddenly vanished. It was an implosion in my chest, so violent that I almost fell over on the bed. I clearly felt the suction, the sudden vacuum pulling hard on the rest of my insides. It was exactly as if a sphere of meat had been teleported out of my chest, leaving a sphere-shaped void, which then imploded. There was actually a significant concussion, like a reverse-explosion of a very large firecracker. It hurt significantly. Real pain. It shocked me to the core.

I was partially blind now. Mostly blind. Vague shapes only. Very confused and shaken, I felt for my heartbeat with my hand. I felt and felt for it, but I could find absolutely no heartbeat. I felt for perhaps thirty seconds or more, and still my own chest was utterly still, like a corpse. I was beginning to think I had died in the real world somehow. All I could think of was my family I'd be leaving behind. Then gradually I began to feel more alive again. Felt for a carotid beat this time, and found one. And here I am.

So, what do you make of that? Because I have no idea whatsoever.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

More of the same, but that alone is astonishing...

Short post right now...

Last night, sitting in a chair next to the bed, once again I was in multiple universes, "accordioned" around me. Very similar to last time I was in the "multiverse" state, which was my last post, except that they weren't disk-like. More like layered, but overlapping too. I was also vertically "accordioned" much like last time.

My dog, now 100% deaf from double ear surgery due to infections (he's recovered now, thankfully) was sleeping soundly on the far side of the bed, away from me in my chair next to the bed. (Yes, you know what's coming, don't you?)

So yadda yadda, I see the universes, I am amazed by the universes, and then I start to play around with them, just like last time. All without even realizing what I was doing... it was just the natural thing to do at the time, it seemed.

This time I warped the stack of universes, sending a wave of "cracks" up toward the upper opposite corner of room... the fracturing proceeds diagonally downward through the room... crack... upper part of room fractured... crack... a little more is fractured, proceeding downward through room... crack... more fractures, now upper half of room is fractured, centered on the original upper opposite corner... crack... getting closer to bed... crack... fractured area touches sleeping dogAND HE'S UP AND MAKING NOISES INSTANTLY, on all four feet, obviously perturbed. Instantly, as the fracturing touched him. Asleep. Deaf. I'd been there an hour, done things etc, and he slept through it all... and yet the fracturing touched him, he woke up like I'd hit him with a glass of icewater.

This is insane.

It's getting really hard to discount this.

>>>Late addition to this: I just recalled that at one point just prior to the events described above, I was sitting with my head turned to my left, looking at the top of a safety railing we have on the bed for our dog. The railing at the time was perhaps a foot and a half from my head. So, very close, visually. I was in a vertically "accordioned" state, multiple versions of myself stacked on top of each other overlapping, moving through this stack of "me's" up and down, looking out through many pairs of my eyes but mainly focused on the vision of one main pair with some interference from nearby ones. As I moved through this stack of "me's" and of my bedroom surroundings, that railing kept changing slightly as I looked through one pair of my eyes, then the next, and the next and so on. Slight changes in angle, in the cloth and mesh covering on the railing, in the wrinkles in it, and so on. Each pair of my eyes, was seeing a different railing. All slight differences, but not so slight as to be easily explained away. A change of angle of several degrees, a half-inch new wrinkle at the end of the cloth cover. Definite differences. I should note also that I was not even blinking my eyes; the changes were literally happening as I looked at the railing, as I shifted "universes."

So there's that, too. All in all, a very interesting experience much like previous ones, even to waking the dog in many "on cue," but I retained more details because I stood up right at the end and got my wife in the other room and told her about it. (We have a deal where I can wake her up if it's an important experience that I need to talk about)

INCIDENTALLY: For anybody that can't imagine what my visions are like, I did find something that comes fairly close. Watch the last parts of the New Doctor Strange Trailer Here. Where the whole view is warping and interacting. It can be a lot like that, visually. At least in the general "feel."

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Playing With Disk Worlds

Last night, two small bowls, 50X.

Started with a one-point internal meditation on the source of my consciousness... gradually I faded out of it into a full vision. I saw portions of the room floating around me as if the room was shattered in planar fractures approximately horizontally in many places throughout, but what they really were was a group of vertical disk-worlds with myself, my sense of "I AM" fully present in all of the pieces, occupying more than eight or ten adjacent universes at once. I was playing with many disk-shaped parallel worlds in a vertical stack, feeling at once as if powerless to stop and also realizing that I was doing it on purpose for the sheer fun of it and also knowing while in that state that I have done this many times before, but was never able to recall it later.

I spent the next ten minutes or so fighting like hell to keep the memory. This time I did it. I think the totality of what I was doing, the sheer wonder of it all, the sense of awe, hit a trigger for me to fight to retain it, to take it back with me. It took considerable effort.

So I was in many identical versions of my bedroom and saw through many pairs of my eyes, the room seemingly in parts, many parts, and yet not, for it was as if I was seeing a bunch of "nearby" or adjacent universes stacked together rather than only one at a time, and I was rotating them around myself as an axis somehow, playing with them like colossal misshapen disks.

To approximately assign dimension to them, let’s say disk-ish shaped volumes of reality, all including identical versions of me in them, each somehow vertically compressed into "disk-oids" perhaps two feet thick and fifteen feet in diameter. Many of them, stacked vertically, with black gaps where they did not fit together, not being flat disks but somewhat wavy and irregular.

It was not quite like as if the room was somehow entirely solid (even the air) and a giant band-saw had cut slices horizontally through it, it was instead like many, many such solidified rooms were compressed into poorly made round "coins" all somewhat bent out of shape and wavy, each coin being a complete version of my entire worldview compressed, flattened, rounded… then stacked vertically with me, or rather my central consciousness, my "overmind," at the common pivot point near the back of the stack, for such was my perspective in the room. Like someone drove a nail through a stack of disks near the edge, and I was the nail.

Since “I” was many versions of myself all stacked one upon the other in a vertical manner, my own consciousness was this vertically-extended stack of “me’s” that, since I was perceiving this from a group perspective, was much taller than I myself was, sitting as I was in a straight-backed chair in my bedroom. I was a very tall stack of “me’s” with a single consciousness running through it that was me, only repeated many times, and all of “us” were aware of the others of “us” in the stack and what those others were seeing and sensing, so that somehow “we” remained “I," remained one consciousness, except as shared thoughts in one communal “overmind” or perhaps more accurately “mind-overlap.”

And this overlapping stacked group mind was playing with the disk worlds that comprised it's group-body like vertebrae, playing with itself, if I can say that and not conjure grossly inaccurate assumptions, by spinning the world-disks in opposing directions. One clockwise, the next one below counterclockwise, and so on in alternating fashion. Spinning disks for fun, but the disks were each a worldview, a universe. A point-of-view.

I was manipulating a group of my parallel universal viewpoints or worldviews, for pleasure. For fun.

I was conscious of many versions of myself overlaid, overlapping and occupying similar space in nearby planes, a composite me, a brotherhood of one repeated over and over… I was sharing bandwidth. Picking up nearby stations. Seeing my own self repeated in such a manner, I (composite multiple inter-cooperating "overmind" I) chose to play with it all and spin these disks made out of my overlapping perceptions. I say “I chose” because I can only assume that I must have or I wouldn’t have been doing it, but I certainly have no memory of choosing to do anything of the sort; I became fully conscious of what I was doing while I was already well into doing it.

Towards the end of this experience, as I managed to sneak a tiny amount of my rationality into the vision and be aware enough of it with my logical analytical mind, I sensed beyond doubt that the nature of reality is a massive communal dream-like state wherein we, or rather all our dreams, fit together almost, but not quite, seamlessly.

I say dreams, but our consensual reality we all live in is not really a dream. It’s not like a normal sleeping dream, at any rate. It's like a far more focused and realistic version of a dream we all dream together, with limits we ourselves impose on it. It’s just that “dream” or dream-like” is the nearest that language seems to come to the reality of what it truly is.

I got the very strong sense that we all walk around in a mobile individual dream that we update as we progress through it, and others also do this same thing, and they, or rather we, all interlock somehow. Also, all of us are subconsciously determined that it all fits seamlessly together, for when you think about it, for most people, to doubt the nature of reality itself in a manner like this is tantamount to insanity and therefore is simply terrifying to even contemplate, so we tend not to.

So out of fear that it won't make sense, it almost always does.

I knew it was real and true then. There was no doubt at the time, but I cannot say that I know it to be true now, since I am not in that state now and can see in retrospect how it might mislead me... however this time I brought so much more of the memory back with me that I feel more compelled to at least give honest credence to my own memories of it being un-doubtable, since those memories are not normally nearly this clear. I’d done this before. I remember realizing that, as I was doing it again. I’d just never been able to be rational enough to retain it like this, almost intact.

Salvia Divinorum is an utterly astonishing substance.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Welcome to Green World

Through the years of my experimentation with salvia divinorum and my own consciousness, I have from time to time found myself in a place that I've only shards of memory of. Recently I once again found myself there but somehow managed to awaken a tiny kernel of my analytical mind and ask myself a few questions about the experience. This is what I recall about it now.

It's a very deep place, seemingly underlying all consciousness, all reality, all dreams, all feelings and sensations. Almost like the static of a television station that is lacking a signal. The baseline of all consciousness. Perhaps like an infinite three-dimensional canvas for all conceivable realities to be painted upon. "The Matrix," in a way.

I call it Green World, for lack of a better name. It happens when I sink deep within myself, past even my own sense of "I AM" down to just an inchoate sense of pure "I."

With eyes closed, an inner light, bluish-green in color, is seen in my visual imagination. It just appears, at first a dim glow, soon intensifying to a bright sparkling static-filled three-dimensional world with nothing in it but the basic structure of reality, thin interlocking green and red threads, tiny filaments, so tiny, but everywhere, making up dim shapes in this glowing world.

The sparkling blue-green glow replaces my body, beginning at the forehead and region of my eyes. My body thus is dissolved into the glow. I have no body at all. Where my body should be, is the green light, sparkling with energy, glowing, potent. I have no eyes to see, but do not need them. I feel the energy, the tingling, an electrical sensation, in lieu of a body. I am one with this world, because this world is made up of pure "I." Pure Identity. I sense that strongly.

There is an associated aural sensation, not a sound but a sense of a sound, hard to describe. It seems like nonsense syllables, but I've heard them before in prior visits here. Something akin to "elektraglyzsendee" or parts of that, but that's not it, there is no real way to describe this. I've "heard" it many times, but it remains indescribable. When I sense the almost-sound of this nonsense phrase, I feel it in my core, it goes right through me, through all of this inner Green World, like a muted kind of teeth-on-tinfoil sensation. It seems to mean something, to be significant somehow, no idea how though.

Oh, another thing. Green World is always terrifying. I never knew why before, but I do now.

There is always terror upon arriving here. Primal Terror and strong deja-vu. In my early days, that was hard to overcome, but I've done this a few times before, even though it is difficult to recall specifics. I have a kind of experience, a 'feel' for it now.

So I feel the terror, tell myself it cannot harm me, embrace it, and it passes me by. Much better.

Why is this Green World terrifying? Good question, yet one I'd never been aware enough to able to ask myself while being here before. This time however I managed to ask myself that question while I was in a position to answer it. This time I was aware enough to ask it, and figure out the answer. I even managed to ask myself in the moment about the clarity of the answer I was receiving, and it was very clear indeed, like a clear memory.

The terror I feel when I come here is because of all the many times I'd come here previously when I'd just died.

Green World is terrifying because normally we only find ourselves here because we've just died.

Or rather, because one of our dreams of being alive has just ended.

Same thing.

It's like it's the Blank Slate we experience while on "layover."

This I clearly sensed as soon as I asked. Death and Life. The dead tarry here, in this deep realm, and the living also, but they are unaware of it, being focused on other things.

We are all here, all the time. Only our dreams differ. If you dream deeply enough to believe you're awake, you will not see or sense Green World, but here you are regardless. You can't leave it, because it *is* you. It is everything, and yet most of all, it is nothing.

In my prior visions, when I've seen green light, waves or currents of it, it came from this Green World, from this underlying strata of reality that intersects everything. This I sensed as well.

Green World is Identity, pure "I." It is not my personal identity, it is the identity that is the real structure of dreams, all dreams, including real-seeming ones like this life. It is pure mind, rendered visible. It is not our dream, for we do not dream it; it dreams us. It is not only the deepest core of my being, but also of yours, and everybody and everything.

Or so it seems to one person making deep-dives into his own mind, at any rate. No proof of course. Just very interesting to me, and who knows, perhaps to you as well.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

The Tiny Torus Of The Self


Last night, seated meditation in bed.

Focusing on my inner self, my identity, attempting to perceive my consciousness with my consciousness, I went through a period in which all my surroundings became cartoon-like or dream-like, with no loss of detail. This has happened in the past, and indeed is fairly common.

As I settled into rhythmic breathing, I closed my eyes and went within myself, far within, seeking my own source. This is a fairly common meditation for me. In the past I've often gone so deep and so far that I perceived a tiny single point, the very center point of my being, what I think of as my "I AM" point because in order to see it I must free my mind of all concepts except my own basic sense of identity and pursue only that. Salvia is so powerful in this particular manner, it gives you what amounts to almost a super-power of concentration. With salvia I can narrow my focus to only one exclusive concept and simply not think of anything else, at will.

So there I am floating in the black void of my inner self, starred as always by the millions of tiny lights that I always see even when I'm in normal mind. The remains of my old childhood hallucinations, the leftovers of my old visions. I'm floating in this, this vast expanse of what looks like space but unlike space I can feel it as if it were part of my body. I sense the currents and swirls and movements of my "astral plane" for lack of a better term. I focus on my source, and let everything else fall away. It's effortless. I no longer know my own name, that I even have a name. I am a point, a floating viewpoint, in this vast cavern that is my own mind.

I sense something different, floating in front of me in this space. What can it be? It looks like a smoke ring, perhaps three-quarters of an inch in apparent diameter. A smoke ring floating in the space of my mind. I can feel it twisting there. I see it twisting in on itself constantly, as an actual smoke ring usually does. It's a floating torus, spinning not on its axis, but spinning around the center of the toroidal tube that makes up the ring itself.

I approach closer to it. Now it's right in front of me. I can feel it there, twisting in on itself there in front of me.

Then something really strange happened.

It seemed to suck me in, to suck in the floating viewpoint that was all I was in that space. I became one with the torus, and all of a sudden I was twisting and torquing within it as if it, were me.

I distinctly remember the feeling of being turned inside-out when it happened. It is an incredibly unusual feeling to cope with.

Then it happened again. I remember thinking "inside out and inside out and inside out and inside out..." many times as I experienced the chaos of being a twisting smoke ring, a torus of energy, feeling my entire being twisting itself inside-out over and over and over.

Eventually I decided to disengage with it and wake up to full consciousness, and did so. All I remember thinking at the time was, it was like I finally found the very center of my being, and it was a spinning torus of constant self-inversion, spinning smoke-ring-like in the quasi-darkness of the deepest recesses of my mind.

Overall, a very interesting experience, rather pleasant.