This is A WORLD OUT OF MIND, my Online Journal where I explore Consciousness and the Ultimate Nature of Reality by the intentional alteration of my own belief structures, using Salvia Divinorum and additional self-altering meditational techniques drawn from Western Ceremonial Magic.

I always attempt to adhere to the scientific method as much as possible in my explorations, and while I often speak of these experiences as if I knew they were Truth, I always consider the alternative, that it is merely self-deception on my part, and think accordingly. Thus I maintain two parallel world views at once, one aspirational and one a safe fallback into standard materialism.

The more I journey into salviaspace, the more I think the former worldview is the correct one, but there is no objective way to prove that to the world, so I'll let you, the reader, decide for yourselves.

-Saint Brian the Godless

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Thursday, July 11, 2013

The Ultimate Pranayama

Last night:

Sitting upright on my straight-back chair in the bedroom as usual. Dog is resting at my left on the near corner of the bed. I descend into salvia space and begin pranayama, basic breathing exercises. I close my eyes and relax into the feeling for a minute or so and then re-open them. I now see my reality around me breathing with me. As I exhale, the room around me bows outward with my breath, and flexes back inward with each inhalation. A very beautiful state to be in. Reminiscent of Neo in "The Matrix" at the moment where he achieved mastery of the Matrix and of Agent Smith. His inhalation, with the accompanying special effect of the world around him bowing inward, captures the sensation closely enough.

I continue with this, noticing how the furniture and other fixtures in the room actually shift sideways, either to the left or the right, as the room expands. I notice that this effect doesn't end at my skin, either. I am also expanding and contracting, more so than just my respiration would normally cause. Then I begin to perceive that the room around me, and my body, are one material, a flexible, semirigid almost gel-like pseudosubstance, which I interpreted as the substance of consciousness itself, how I perceive it, the texture that I assign it. The very texture of dreams. I can expand or contract any part of it at will, and lengthen or contract parts of this space, but I also realized that only I would be able to see this because I am only affecting the structure of the dream that is reality and not its contents. At least, only I *should be* able to see this. Thus a ruler on the floor might look longer or shorter to me, but it is still twelve inches long; it is the dream itself that I am seemingly affecting, the dream that is reality, thus any measurements of said space in said reality would not reflect my actions upon it, as such measurements can only be done within that very dream world that I am affecting the very basis of. My efforts would only be apparent from the "outside" of reality, in salvia space. Or so it would seem.

I also note to myself that this doesn't seem to bother the dog any. He's not asleep, but he's resting and looks back at me quizzically as I look toward him. Nothing unusual here, nor did I expect there to be.

As I go even deeper, eyes still open, small additional dose of salvia, I start to focus upon a point on the grille of the air filter in front of me off to my right. I start to see and feel the space torquing, twisting in a curve, eventually a semicircular twist, distorting the horizontal slats of the grille. Then it twists about in an almost violent manner, seeming to distort space itself, and several crack-like lines or perhaps edges of folds of some sort, appear in the air before me. One of them, seemingly a fold of spatial distortion, or more likely a fold *in the dream of space,* a fold in the dream which *is* space, approaches my faithful doggy friend to my left.

Now he bolts! And moreover, as it was happening, as that twist approached his side of me, I *knew* that he would bolt. He runs diagonally across the bed, over my wife's legs, and sits in the farthest corner away from me. Hardly typical behavior, but typical when daddy's on salvia apparently.

At this point I snap myself out of it on reflex and call out to my sleeping spouse, bless her heart, to tell her that *it* had happened yet again. This I do not for her benefit, but for mine. If I can tell her, I get to keep the memories. This works in two ways; she generally remembers the gist of what I told her, and when I can make the effort to tell her, I generally remember it myself as well. I've tried voice recorders; no way. Too distracting.

She wishes I didn't fuck with the dog's mind. He's emotionally delicate. I try to tell her that I don't do it on purpose.

As an aside, at one point when I was both perceiving reality as having an almost gel-like texture (but really almost nothing like a gel; words are insufficient to describe this,) and as I was also starting to play around with the space around me, and was almost lost in a swirl of complex imagery and perceptions, I had a piercing insight. Something about the "gel," about the texture of reality that I was perceiving. It was like I directly intuitively understood what it was, and thus what it implied reality was. I knew in that moment that I knew one of the deepest secrets of the universe. Then the fight began to keep that memory, but I was in too deep to dredge it back up with me. Salvia seems to allow you to get to very deep levels of reality where you learn incredible things, but getting back out with what you have learned is another thing entirely.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

That Damned Glow Again

Last night for the first time in a while I allowed myself to take enough salvia to go into a closed-eye vision state. I'd taken a short break to assimilate my last trip, which was a bad one involving my consciousness being stretched into a long sheet and being drawn inexorably into what felt like some massive cosmic pulley of some sort, where I knew (due to INTENSE deja-vu) that I would undergo a *snap* or sudden intense pressure that would obliterate my personality, and then I opened my eyes as the room around me fractured in many places showing black chaos seeping through; what I've come to call the "Outer Darkness." My reality was dissolving, or seemed to be at any rate. What I mean is, it seemed that my whole life was revealed as a shallow masturbatory dream and it was over now so I could see how utterly ridiculously false it all was, and in reality I was the sole existing being/consciousness in the universe, once again consigned to an utterly lonely existance. It felt very real... Let's just say that it wasn't fun.

So I was mildly tripping last night, testing the cosmic waters as it were, closed eyes, having a vision, and I clearly recall that my mind was doing many different things at the same time, as if it were several orders of magnitude more complex than it actually is. This is hard to describe; I felt like my intellect was this enormous, convoluted thing, perhaps something vaguely like an office building full of many busy people all working on diverse, highly complex tasks, only I was each and every one of them all at once, and amazingly I was (at the time) not only aware of being all of them at once but also aware of all the minute details of each of their many complex projects! (Those details were the first thing to go as I gradually left this state; I could feel the memories of them bleed out of me against my will; the only memory left was the memory of having all those myriad other complex thoughts with no salient details left.)

As I gradually came 'back' to my reality it felt like I was forced into giving most of that vast seemingly-polymathic mind up in order to 'fit' into my self here. (hard to explain) Then on coming back to my usual reality in my bedroom and upon opening my eyes, I began to see a whitish glow come into the room. I sensed that it was no different from previous greenish glows. I get the strong impression that these glowing fields are, or at least feel like, spatial distortions of some kind, like induced ripples or interfaces in the consciousness-fabric of my/our reality, and not merely glowing hallucinatory spherical fields of light. I don't only see them; I also feel them pass through my body as they move through me, as if they distorted the geometry of my being as they passed. And then, yet again, and completely unexpected, it happened! As the glowing, expanding sphere of light progressed by me and through me and moved toward my dog asleep on the nearby corner of the bed and started to make contact with him, he instantly awakened with a noticable start and literally ran diagonally to the back corner of the bed, farthest away from me and the light, behind my sleeping wife. He literally raced ahead of the glow to get back there, and then cowered in place. He didn't just move away from the glow this time; he actually panicked and ran away from it.

I called out to my wife and awakened her (in the traditional manner!) and told her that once again "it" had happened, and she (unsurprised at this point) noted that the dog was indeed plainly terrified, hunkered down in that far corner. So I had seen the glow come into the room in the usual manner, if not the usual color, but the dog reacted more violently than ever before in the past. There was no sound that might have startled it; I was just sitting there in my chair, very still and very quiet, serene beyond belief as it was happening, and only realized that the glow had awakened and frightened the dog *as that occurred.* In other words, I was so relaxed that I didn't even anticipate anything unusual happening and only came to full awareness of the fact that once again my meditations were having a subjective (of sorts) real-world effect, as it happened and not before. The dog's reaction was startling enough to me to bring me to immediate full awareness. I had clear recall of all that transpired. There can be no mistake here: something is happening that is not explained by or even allowed by the normal consensual view of this universe. This place cannot be what it appears to be. I am still not 100% convinced, not a complete "believer," being a skeptic by nature, and so I will still "experiment" along these lines and continue to observe the reactions of my wife and dog, but really, this happens consistantly, every time I see the glow. Not once have I seen it come into the room as it does from time to time and *not* awaken (or at least visibly disturb) either the dog, my wife, or both. This time, it had an even more pronounced effect.

Something unusual and atypical is going on here, and it's not me imagining it. This reality simply cannot be merely dead matter and energy and space and time as we believe it to be, cannot be a "billiard-ball Universe" as we most often conclude that it must be. I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that it must instead have its ultimate basis in consciousness. It certainly seems to me that this universe, this reality, must somehow be purely psychological in nature. Consiousness has to be the ground of all being. Nothing else can adequately explain what is happening to me.