Will Equals Certainty

November 12, 2014, late evening, 100x

I sit cross-legged on my bed, and begin meditating. As always, as the salvia takes effect my world changes, becoming pixelated and less real-seeming, and my mind begins to seemingly blend in with my surroundings. The lighting begins to take on an eerie greenish tint; moving dim shapes composed of a slightly glowing more strongly greenish mist move about the room and occasionally move through me. I know from experience that at higher doses these very same greenish clouds resolve themselves into complete realities, parallel worlds, planes of existence, sometimes apparently even populated ones, moving in random directions through me and around me, and ultimately I tend to just skip off into one of those realities at random and cruise about. Meandering much like a train of thought flits from subject to subject, I pass from world to world, body to body, destined to remember little of it all other than the definite fact that I had experienced these things (and indeed much more) as details seem to slip sand-like through my fingers on returning from these journeys. The more I grasp at them, the more they elude me, until all that's left is clear memories of the sense of wonder I'd felt and little else.

Not tonight, however. Tonight I remain in my body, albeit in a trance-like state of deep concentration, and those realities were barely visible as mere twists of glowing greenish smoke moving about me. I remained like this for perhaps fifteen minutes, perfectly still and enraptured with the sense of incredible inner peace and tranquility that characterizes this stage of the experience, and then I began to become more conscious of the world around me, gradually beginning to think again in a more normal manner. At this point I thought of my wife sleeping next to me, and whether I could wake her up intentionally as had happened several times before in various ways. Without even intending it, but seemingly as a reaction to my thought about awakening my wife, I then felt something like a pressure gradient or a reverse-tension of some sort between myself and my wife's sleeping form, and sensing that I then somehow applied an almost-impossible-to-describe counter-pressure of my own against this perceived force. It was as if I was expanding my own self in a wave of force, like breathing out with the whole body and using my exhalation to push against a similar resisting force. I felt and saw the interface of my pressure and the resisting force as a grayish misty shadow moving like a slow wave from my body towards hers. It was not steady progress, however. It proceeded in fits and starts as I gained and then lost ground. I soon realized that I seemed to be only able to apply pressure when I had absolutely zero doubt that I was able to apply pressure. Zero doubt. Any tiny sliver of doubt in what I was doing, and all progress halted and then reversed.

So I began to practice not having any doubt whatsoever.

After a short time working on it, I started to become consistently certain that I could indeed do this, that I was capable of accomplishing this, and so with that certainty my progress became almost constant and I was able to move the grayish interface more steadily toward my sleeping wife. I doggedly remained certain with only a few tiny moments of doubt which I quickly clamped down on hard, and so after all that effort it finally reached her.

As the wave touched her body and "washed" over it, she started awake. Fully awake. I reiterate, at the precise moment it touched her, she awakened. Precisely as I expected her to.

I immediately ceased all "pressure."

I admit that she had not been asleep long, but she definitely had been asleep, and she's a very heavy sleeper. An ideal test subject in that regard.

(By the way, she was not amused)

Yes, so of course, this is impossible. I know. And yet, it happens. Not often, the mental state required is difficult to attain for me, however it certainly seems to happen every now and then. A bit different script every time, but identical results.

I learned something new this time, though.

Remember that part where I could only apply force when I had no doubt? I now understand what the meaning of "Will" is in a magical context. In the sense that it is used in ceremonial magic, the Will is identical to Certainty. Identical. How certain you are that you can do it, is how likely it is that you will do it. Certitude is Will. Will equals Certainty.

Not that I believe in ceremonial magic. I try to not believe in anything. I see it, at least some of it, as a useful and fairly efficient system of belief-manipulation. Self-manipulation. Self-hypnosis, if you will. The point? The goal of ceremonial magic, at least how I see it?

Certainty, oddly enough. Certainty in the face of rising doubt and an improbable goal. Certainty that a thought can change reality.

Does it? Is it? I suppose these many times that something like this has happened could all be a highly improbable coincidence of some sort, perhaps combined with confirmation bias on my part, but I try to eliminate that sort of thing as much as possible up front, so while I can't be absolutely sure that I'm actually definitely awakening my wife or my dog or even sometimes both with mere thought, it certainly seems so to me. It's a very dramatic and amazing thing when you see and sense your mind just reach out to another person and jostle her awake, and have it happen precisely on cue. Hard to dismiss, I assure you.

I should note that I don't "practice" this and fail over and over and then have it happen and report it to you. I get into the right mental state only rarely, and when I do sometimes it doesn't occur to me to even try anything other than enjoy the experience. No, this state of mind where I'm still in my body but reality seems more a part of my mind than it does an external thing, and I'm seeing the greenish ghosts of other worlds floating around my room, just happens to happen, and then I have to happen to think of awakening my wife, and then it always works. Whenever I can perceive a wave in the air moving toward her, she always awakens when it hits her. It just doesn't happen often.

In the past, as recorded in earlier posts here, I'd awaken her "passively" by merely seeing a wave move through the room and her awakening when it hit her. More recently I am the cause of that wave, and I determine its progress.

UPDATE:NOVEMBER 19:
Last night I took my last fairly large hit of salvia and sat in my bed. After a few minutes, suddenly a rippling semicircular distortion appeared in the air in front of me and progressed downwards toward the foot of the bed. By chance it happened to contact my sleeping dog, and he immediately twisted his body, made a noise, and woke up looking at me. I then decided to awaken my wife to tell her about this, and I noted that there were many of her, in the sense that her sleeping form was repeated over and over again, progressing in a semi-circle that disappeared over my head. So I reached out the many of my right arms and touched the many of her sleeping bodies and woke the many of her up and told the many of her about it all. Her multiple repeating bodies reminded me of an opened hand-fan, repeating themselves over and over in a crescent as they did. Even while in this vision I could still communicate with her and describe it all. Incidentally, touching the many of her shoulders with the many of my right hands felt like touching a wall of flesh, like a picket fence of bodies; many touches all felt by my many right hands at once.

Still have no idea what all this means.