Synesthesia Play Gets Real

Two nights ago, 100X, sitting upright in bed.

I'm doing one-point meditation on a point between my two eyes, which seems to raise energy in my body. I see a bright star above my head, a channel of bright light running down my spine, and what looks like a red giant star in my general stomach/perineum area. I sense this as similar to electrical currents running through me.

There is a pale bluish-green field around me, basically covering my whole field of view as I sit in stillness. Like an oval green bubble perhaps. This simmers with tiny sparkles of light similar to static on a television screen. I can see this field and also feel it somehow, in a hard-to-describe manner.

I turn my head to the right and raise my left hand, which is therefore out of my field of view completely. I can clearly see my raised left hand with my skin. Well, perhaps not my skin, but with my whole body, as if my whole body could sense light like the retinas of my eyes, only not nearly as sensitively. I begin moving my fingers in a random manner. I can see them moving. I hold up different numbers of fingers and marvel at how clearly I can see them. I continue to play around with this kinesthesia effect for a while, my mind becoming more and more interested in it, and more and more quiet as a result.

Suddenly I noticed that I could feel my fingers moving inside my head, physically inside my head. I've noticed this phenomena many times before, that any physical movement of any part of my body can be felt in the mind as a "wriggling" sensation, and also in various random parts of the rest of the body as if the feeling is mirrored all over.

So I've noticed that moving my left index finger (for example) results in a wriggling feeling behind my left eye/forehead area, the next finger slightly further to the left, and so on.

While doing this, something new came to my attention. I'm sensing fluctuations in the enclosing green field when I move my fingers. As I play around with that effect, I actually start to see, all over that green field's left side, small shadowy images of my moving right hand! There were many such images, many smaller shadow-hands moving on that green "surface." It was as if it were the wall of an aquarium filled with dense greenish smoke and there were small people inside the tank touching it with their hands. That best describes it visually.

All the hands were moving in a mirror image of my still-moving left hand. More and more of them appeared, causing the effect to expand toward my right side to encompass the entire greenish field. I could see them, and I could also feel them as a moving field of "wriggling" sensations, almost like they were all my actual hand and I was simply feeling them as normal hands. As this area of moving images of my actual moving hand proceeded across my field of view toward my wife, she made a startled noise in her sleep. So I stopped completely. I don't really like waking her up, nor is she very fond of it either.

Then I began again, and again the "field of hands" moved across my vision to my right, got close to my wife, and again she made a noise in her sleep.

I repeated this two more times, and got two more noises.

On the next attempt, as the "field of hands" approached my wife, our dog, which was asleep near her, awakened and started choking and coughing, a lot. More of a violent retching actually. He's a pug, so that's hardly an impossible thing to happen, but the fact that it was so perfectly "on cue" and timed at the precise moment that the field reached him, was enough for me to stop these experiments for the evening. Of course, wouldn't you know it, the pug woke up my wife anyhow.

How I Think On Salvia (An Example): Feedback Cycles of the Mind

(Typed at 2AM in a light trance-like state)(Speculations on the Self and the Mind)

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The nature of The Self is that of an infinite spiral of self-observation.

If one wishes to descend to the depths of one's own consciousness, one way to this end is to contemplate yourself observing the world. At first you look out your eyes and see the world. Then you wonder, who is it that is observing the world through these eyes? Then you say, "I am here, like a small person in my head, observing through these eyes." However then it is incumbent upon you to realize that you are speaking of this small "you" not as this small person, but as an observer of this small person. It is as if now you are standing next to that person in your head describing him. So you now ask, "Who then is observing the person that is observing the world through these eyes?" And the cycle begins. For now the next question becomes "Who is the person that is observing the person that is observing the person that is observing the world through these eyes?" and so on, ad infinitum, for there is always another person observing the person, there is always a deeper level of realization and observation and heightened perspective; it never ends. There is always another person standing next to that little person in your head describing the last one. I've been able to hold six or seven of them in my head at once, but that in no way limits their number, merely my ability to visualize. They go on forever, for how could they not?

In a likewise manner, when you focus on yourself, close your eyes and focus on who is doing the focusing, try to turn your own consciousness back upon itself and "see the see-er" as it were, you create a similar cycle of regressive (or perhaps descending) self-observation, only in this case it's more like a feedback cycle in a sound system. You focus on yourself, and as you observe the being that is observing the being that is observing the being... as you enter into and descend through this cycle, there is a phenomena of energy, a pressure in one's mind, a white noise effect, even an auditory whine verging on the ultrasonic at the edge of human perception. A feedback effect. The more you are able to focus on yourself, the more pronounced the effects.

I'm coming to realize that these phenomena of mental or consciousness feedback cycles, similar to that which is encountered in sound systems, are important to the phenomena of consciousness and even the existence of the self.

As far as we know, only humans ever even think to attempt to become conscious of their "inner observer" or self, so perhaps only humans experience these types of feedback cycles in the mind. Such a cycle seems to give depth to our consciousness, and even a sense of permanence in our minds. The feeling that we are infinite, for example.

Other types of mental feedback cycles can have disastrous effects upon the mind rather than formative or preservative ones; in essence they can destroy the existing mind and re-order it's basic 'wiring.' This is psychosis, or a break from reality, a break from the normal order of the mind, and can be irreparable and dangerous. I've experienced a hint of this type off feedback cycle in the past with salvia,*** and I feel it is the psychological basis of insanity, what it feels like in the mind rather than what it is defined as scientifically. The mental mechanism, if you will. In these cases though, fear is always involved in the cycle. So then you have a random thought for some reason that is repugnant to you or that you very desperately seek to rid yourself from; both fear and guilt can be involved in this desire. The thought repels you, so you seek to *not think it.* This is however futile, for the more you seek to rid yourself of it the more it comes to dominate you, literally feeding off the feedback-cycle of fear until it comes to control your mind utterly and completely, essentially shattering your old frames of reference and creating newer and more chaotic ones. You *snap.*


***This side of feedback cycles spoken of before HERE under "DEMON" and "The Potential Ghost."