Last night, typical salvia experience, 100X. Typical, but I recall it very well, which is not typical. The more I do this, the better I become at recall.
I inhaled my last hit of salvia and felt that it would be a strong experience, felt the dizzying rush hit me, and suppressed it long enough to get into bed next to my sleeping wife, got into a comfortable upright crossed-legs sitting position, then allowed it to take full effect.
Instantly I sensed my wife's body heat both physically and visually, actually seeing it as a glow and feeling it on my skin as if it were sunlight. It was as if when I allowed the salvia to take effect, someone had thrown a switch and she lit up like a weak fluorescent tube. My body stopped feeling like a body. It felt like I was made of a cloud of sparkling energy, like static on an old television set only three-dimensional. My senses were hyper-attuned.
Looking more-or-less at a point on the wall in front of me, I felt my face dissolve in a cloud of static and saw the wall with my entire facial area as if it were one huge eye. Then the room around me, my whole panoramic view of it, seemed to become a solid thing intersecting with my head, like a solid but transparent cone with it's apex anchored at the very back of my head, interpenetrating my flesh. I could physically feel it as a solid, feel it interpenetrating my facial area and the interior of my head.
My entire reality took on an illusory quality, not unreal or cartoonish but more like a projection, and this included my head and body, so they blended into one continuous static-like sparkling energy field. My point-of-view had also shifted; instead of being "pressed up against the window of my eyes" as it usually is, it receded as if I'd taken a few steps back from that window toward the back of my head. My peripheral vision became clearer and eventually very sharp, though not as sharp as my normal focal point vision is; still, much sharper than normal peripheral vision. I still seemed to be viewing the world through my whole facial area.
Slightly glowing green shapes filled the room, moving about, sometimes intersecting with parts of my body or passing through my head. I could feel them as they touched me, and indeed I could feel them inside of me as they passed through me. At first they moved about randomly but after a few minutes I realized that I could control their motion to some extent, and practiced doing so. It was somewhat difficult. Twice a green shape passed through my torso and through my heart, and each time as it did my heart skipped one short beat, as if it felt it, which it indeed seemed to.
Then out of the corner of my eye to my right as I looked straight ahead, beyond my wife's sleeping body I saw an arm rise up and move about. I could also see it's shadow on the opposite wall to my left, since the light source in the room was a lamp on the dresser to the right of the bed. I turned my head and noted that it had seemed to be my wife's arm that had momentarily moved upwards in her sleep, so I dismissed it as that and re-directed my eyes forward. Then I once again noted the arm moving about, only this time I didn't look at it directly, observing it only through peripheral vision. This time it was definitely not my wife's arm. It grew longer, longer than an arm is supposed to be. It looked brownish and dessicated, slender, almost skeletal, with a claw-like hand. I realized that this should scare me but I seemed to have this machine-like dispassionate inner calm, and so I merely observed it flailing about for a short while, still casting its shadow. All I could muster in response was an attitude of a mixture of confidence, fascination and amusement. It went away.
Then I closed my eyes and started a one-point meditation. Gradually my state became trance-like and I saw and felt an area in front of me darken to deepest black, but a black sparkling with energy, a black field filled with effervescent sparks that seemed to have almost an electrical quality to it, as if it were the very archetype of energy itself. This black sparkling field grew to encompass my face, centered at a point between my eyes, or rather where my eyes should have been. My head was humming with energy. My entire body began to thrum with this vibratory energy as if I were tapping into it, and so I focused my mind on increasing it still more. The black field grew in size, and my head and body felt like strong electrical currents were running through them, albeit in a fairly pleasant manner. I felt like I was being charged like a battery.
In the past when I tried to raise energy like this it always affected my heart as if I were running or exercising, but this time it did not bother me in the least. I felt more and more of this pseudoelectrical energy running through me, originating at the point between my eyes where the blackness was, but I reached a point where no matter the effort that I put into it I could not increase it further, and so it gradually faded.
This latter part of the experience left me so charged with inner energy that it took me two hours to fall asleep afterwards.
All of these things except the spooky raised moving hand and arm I had seen many times before, but I've never been able to recall them precisely enough to write them down. I'm also sure that I saw and felt other things last night that I'm not recalling now.
Altogether a pleasant experience. Well, except the arm. After it was over I thought about that creepy arm moving about, and got a serious case of gooseflesh.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Will Equals Certainty
November 12, 2014, late evening, 100x
I sit cross-legged on my bed, and begin meditating. As always, as the salvia takes effect my world changes, becoming pixelated and less real-seeming, and my mind begins to seemingly blend in with my surroundings. The lighting begins to take on an eerie greenish tint; moving dim shapes composed of a slightly glowing more strongly greenish mist move about the room and occasionally move through me. I know from experience that at higher doses these very same greenish clouds resolve themselves into complete realities, parallel worlds, planes of existence, sometimes apparently even populated ones, moving in random directions through me and around me, and ultimately I tend to just skip off into one of those realities at random and cruise about. Meandering much like a train of thought flits from subject to subject, I pass from world to world, body to body, destined to remember little of it all other than the definite fact that I had experienced these things (and indeed much more) as details seem to slip sand-like through my fingers on returning from these journeys. The more I grasp at them, the more they elude me, until all that's left is clear memories of the sense of wonder I'd felt and little else.
Not tonight, however. Tonight I remain in my body, albeit in a trance-like state of deep concentration, and those realities were barely visible as mere twists of glowing greenish smoke moving about me. I remained like this for perhaps fifteen minutes, perfectly still and enraptured with the sense of incredible inner peace and tranquility that characterizes this stage of the experience, and then I began to become more conscious of the world around me, gradually beginning to think again in a more normal manner. At this point I thought of my wife sleeping next to me, and whether I could wake her up intentionally as had happened several times before in various ways. Without even intending it, but seemingly as a reaction to my thought about awakening my wife, I then felt something like a pressure gradient or a reverse-tension of some sort between myself and my wife's sleeping form, and sensing that I then somehow applied an almost-impossible-to-describe counter-pressure of my own against this perceived force. It was as if I was expanding my own self in a wave of force, like breathing out with the whole body and using my exhalation to push against a similar resisting force. I felt and saw the interface of my pressure and the resisting force as a grayish misty shadow moving like a slow wave from my body towards hers. It was not steady progress, however. It proceeded in fits and starts as I gained and then lost ground. I soon realized that I seemed to be only able to apply pressure when I had absolutely zero doubt that I was able to apply pressure. Zero doubt. Any tiny sliver of doubt in what I was doing, and all progress halted and then reversed.
So I began to practice not having any doubt whatsoever.
After a short time working on it, I started to become consistently certain that I could indeed do this, that I was capable of accomplishing this, and so with that certainty my progress became almost constant and I was able to move the grayish interface more steadily toward my sleeping wife. I doggedly remained certain with only a few tiny moments of doubt which I quickly clamped down on hard, and so after all that effort it finally reached her.
As the wave touched her body and "washed" over it, she started awake. Fully awake. I reiterate, at the precise moment it touched her, she awakened. Precisely as I expected her to.
I immediately ceased all "pressure."
I admit that she had not been asleep long, but she definitely had been asleep, and she's a very heavy sleeper. An ideal test subject in that regard.
(By the way, she was not amused)
Yes, so of course, this is impossible. I know. And yet, it happens. Not often, the mental state required is difficult to attain for me, however it certainly seems to happen every now and then. A bit different script every time, but identical results.
I learned something new this time, though.
Remember that part where I could only apply force when I had no doubt? I now understand what the meaning of "Will" is in a magical context. In the sense that it is used in ceremonial magic, the Will is identical to Certainty. Identical. How certain you are that you can do it, is how likely it is that you will do it. Certitude is Will. Will equals Certainty.
Not that I believe in ceremonial magic. I try to not believe in anything. I see it, at least some of it, as a useful and fairly efficient system of belief-manipulation. Self-manipulation. Self-hypnosis, if you will. The point? The goal of ceremonial magic, at least how I see it?
Certainty, oddly enough. Certainty in the face of rising doubt and an improbable goal. Certainty that a thought can change reality.
Does it? Is it? I suppose these many times that something like this has happened could all be a highly improbable coincidence of some sort, perhaps combined with confirmation bias on my part, but I try to eliminate that sort of thing as much as possible up front, so while I can't be absolutely sure that I'm actually definitely awakening my wife or my dog or even sometimes both with mere thought, it certainly seems so to me. It's a very dramatic and amazing thing when you see and sense your mind just reach out to another person and jostle her awake, and have it happen precisely on cue. Hard to dismiss, I assure you.
I should note that I don't "practice" this and fail over and over and then have it happen and report it to you. I get into the right mental state only rarely, and when I do sometimes it doesn't occur to me to even try anything other than enjoy the experience. No, this state of mind where I'm still in my body but reality seems more a part of my mind than it does an external thing, and I'm seeing the greenish ghosts of other worlds floating around my room, just happens to happen, and then I have to happen to think of awakening my wife, and then it always works. Whenever I can perceive a wave in the air moving toward her, she always awakens when it hits her. It just doesn't happen often.
In the past, as recorded in earlier posts here, I'd awaken her "passively" by merely seeing a wave move through the room and her awakening when it hit her. More recently I am the cause of that wave, and I determine its progress.
UPDATE:NOVEMBER 19:
Last night I took my last fairly large hit of salvia and sat in my bed. After a few minutes, suddenly a rippling semicircular distortion appeared in the air in front of me and progressed downwards toward the foot of the bed. By chance it happened to contact my sleeping dog, and he immediately twisted his body, made a noise, and woke up looking at me. I then decided to awaken my wife to tell her about this, and I noted that there were many of her, in the sense that her sleeping form was repeated over and over again, progressing in a semi-circle that disappeared over my head. So I reached out the many of my right arms and touched the many of her sleeping bodies and woke the many of her up and told the many of her about it all. Her multiple repeating bodies reminded me of an opened hand-fan, repeating themselves over and over in a crescent as they did. Even while in this vision I could still communicate with her and describe it all. Incidentally, touching the many of her shoulders with the many of my right hands felt like touching a wall of flesh, like a picket fence of bodies; many touches all felt by my many right hands at once.
Still have no idea what all this means.
I sit cross-legged on my bed, and begin meditating. As always, as the salvia takes effect my world changes, becoming pixelated and less real-seeming, and my mind begins to seemingly blend in with my surroundings. The lighting begins to take on an eerie greenish tint; moving dim shapes composed of a slightly glowing more strongly greenish mist move about the room and occasionally move through me. I know from experience that at higher doses these very same greenish clouds resolve themselves into complete realities, parallel worlds, planes of existence, sometimes apparently even populated ones, moving in random directions through me and around me, and ultimately I tend to just skip off into one of those realities at random and cruise about. Meandering much like a train of thought flits from subject to subject, I pass from world to world, body to body, destined to remember little of it all other than the definite fact that I had experienced these things (and indeed much more) as details seem to slip sand-like through my fingers on returning from these journeys. The more I grasp at them, the more they elude me, until all that's left is clear memories of the sense of wonder I'd felt and little else.
Not tonight, however. Tonight I remain in my body, albeit in a trance-like state of deep concentration, and those realities were barely visible as mere twists of glowing greenish smoke moving about me. I remained like this for perhaps fifteen minutes, perfectly still and enraptured with the sense of incredible inner peace and tranquility that characterizes this stage of the experience, and then I began to become more conscious of the world around me, gradually beginning to think again in a more normal manner. At this point I thought of my wife sleeping next to me, and whether I could wake her up intentionally as had happened several times before in various ways. Without even intending it, but seemingly as a reaction to my thought about awakening my wife, I then felt something like a pressure gradient or a reverse-tension of some sort between myself and my wife's sleeping form, and sensing that I then somehow applied an almost-impossible-to-describe counter-pressure of my own against this perceived force. It was as if I was expanding my own self in a wave of force, like breathing out with the whole body and using my exhalation to push against a similar resisting force. I felt and saw the interface of my pressure and the resisting force as a grayish misty shadow moving like a slow wave from my body towards hers. It was not steady progress, however. It proceeded in fits and starts as I gained and then lost ground. I soon realized that I seemed to be only able to apply pressure when I had absolutely zero doubt that I was able to apply pressure. Zero doubt. Any tiny sliver of doubt in what I was doing, and all progress halted and then reversed.
So I began to practice not having any doubt whatsoever.
After a short time working on it, I started to become consistently certain that I could indeed do this, that I was capable of accomplishing this, and so with that certainty my progress became almost constant and I was able to move the grayish interface more steadily toward my sleeping wife. I doggedly remained certain with only a few tiny moments of doubt which I quickly clamped down on hard, and so after all that effort it finally reached her.
As the wave touched her body and "washed" over it, she started awake. Fully awake. I reiterate, at the precise moment it touched her, she awakened. Precisely as I expected her to.
I immediately ceased all "pressure."
I admit that she had not been asleep long, but she definitely had been asleep, and she's a very heavy sleeper. An ideal test subject in that regard.
(By the way, she was not amused)
Yes, so of course, this is impossible. I know. And yet, it happens. Not often, the mental state required is difficult to attain for me, however it certainly seems to happen every now and then. A bit different script every time, but identical results.
I learned something new this time, though.
Remember that part where I could only apply force when I had no doubt? I now understand what the meaning of "Will" is in a magical context. In the sense that it is used in ceremonial magic, the Will is identical to Certainty. Identical. How certain you are that you can do it, is how likely it is that you will do it. Certitude is Will. Will equals Certainty.
Not that I believe in ceremonial magic. I try to not believe in anything. I see it, at least some of it, as a useful and fairly efficient system of belief-manipulation. Self-manipulation. Self-hypnosis, if you will. The point? The goal of ceremonial magic, at least how I see it?
Certainty, oddly enough. Certainty in the face of rising doubt and an improbable goal. Certainty that a thought can change reality.
Does it? Is it? I suppose these many times that something like this has happened could all be a highly improbable coincidence of some sort, perhaps combined with confirmation bias on my part, but I try to eliminate that sort of thing as much as possible up front, so while I can't be absolutely sure that I'm actually definitely awakening my wife or my dog or even sometimes both with mere thought, it certainly seems so to me. It's a very dramatic and amazing thing when you see and sense your mind just reach out to another person and jostle her awake, and have it happen precisely on cue. Hard to dismiss, I assure you.
I should note that I don't "practice" this and fail over and over and then have it happen and report it to you. I get into the right mental state only rarely, and when I do sometimes it doesn't occur to me to even try anything other than enjoy the experience. No, this state of mind where I'm still in my body but reality seems more a part of my mind than it does an external thing, and I'm seeing the greenish ghosts of other worlds floating around my room, just happens to happen, and then I have to happen to think of awakening my wife, and then it always works. Whenever I can perceive a wave in the air moving toward her, she always awakens when it hits her. It just doesn't happen often.
In the past, as recorded in earlier posts here, I'd awaken her "passively" by merely seeing a wave move through the room and her awakening when it hit her. More recently I am the cause of that wave, and I determine its progress.
UPDATE:NOVEMBER 19:
Last night I took my last fairly large hit of salvia and sat in my bed. After a few minutes, suddenly a rippling semicircular distortion appeared in the air in front of me and progressed downwards toward the foot of the bed. By chance it happened to contact my sleeping dog, and he immediately twisted his body, made a noise, and woke up looking at me. I then decided to awaken my wife to tell her about this, and I noted that there were many of her, in the sense that her sleeping form was repeated over and over again, progressing in a semi-circle that disappeared over my head. So I reached out the many of my right arms and touched the many of her sleeping bodies and woke the many of her up and told the many of her about it all. Her multiple repeating bodies reminded me of an opened hand-fan, repeating themselves over and over in a crescent as they did. Even while in this vision I could still communicate with her and describe it all. Incidentally, touching the many of her shoulders with the many of my right hands felt like touching a wall of flesh, like a picket fence of bodies; many touches all felt by my many right hands at once.
Still have no idea what all this means.
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