Core Implosion

I do not write often to this blog, because I only like to write about the most unusual experiences, and don't like to repeat myself. This (double) experience is highly unusual for me. Something completely new.

And for the life of me I don't know what it means.

Very well then, let's get to it:

Several nights back, in deep meditation, but a very light trance state. Totally coherent. I could easily have held a conversation were there anyone else in the room.

First, as always happens, the room around me, including my body, became "pixellated." As if the room were a 3-D television screen, and everything in it, including my body, were composed of glowing pixels hanging in space, vibrating. I even feel a distinct buzzing or humming in my entire body.

I maintained my upright sitting posture and just opened my mind to it all. I observed, but did not think. I just absorbed. No distractions.

So the room is full of what looks like television static, visually a light grayish-white glowing field of millions of tiny dots with perhaps a hint of green. And there I sat, for perhaps ten minutes, buzzing with energy.

Suddenly I noticed movement off to my right. A new "field" of static pixels was entering the room through the wall. A large wall of these pixels, a vast shadow, approached me, entering the room through the actual wall of the bedroom, interpenetrating the already-existing field of pixels that comprised the volume of space around me. It slowed as it approached me. It's size was immense. I could see it even through the walls and ceiling of my room, extending up and down and to both sides. It was like a vast, dark mountain was sliding closer to me, and I had this sudden feeling that I had called it. The approaching "mass" of darkness was smooth and slightly convex, bulging slightly, not flat like a plane. Enormous, towering, gigantic. It stopped, almost touching me.

I know this sounds insane, but I got this incredibly strong feeling that this was some sort of "transcendental intelligence." That it was a fellow occupant of the vast mind we call reality, not the author of it, not the creator of it. Not a deity in any way mind you, but as if it were "the next level up" from our reality somehow. A higher-order intellect. I got an impression that it tends to ignore us, like we are a lesser, smaller kind of intelligence in the vast dream of reality. Not unimportant, not unknown to it, but generally escaping its notice as it thinks of more important things.

But it had noticed me. And so it had approached me to see what I was.

It was not like being in the presence of a god, because it wasn't anything like what we think of a god, but it certainly was something as important as a god. So I felt chilled, awed, yet not at all humbled.

It meant me no harm.

I was a bird in the garden, off the beaten path, and it was wondering what I was singing about, so it came to check me out. And no, I don't mean that literally. It's as good as any analogy, though.

I remember an exchange of information of some sort, then it left, back in the direction it came. However, I have no clue what that exchange of information was.

And that was that.

That's a lot to handle, though.

Having no memory of the exchange, and yet feeling nothing negative about it or the gigantic presence that I had both seen and felt, I consciously attempted to contact it again the next night. Same meditation, same state of mind, sitting there in my bed, upright, crossed legs.

And this is where it gets even weirder, if that's possible.

In this state of pixelation, for lack of a better word, I see the inside of my own body as a field of very dark pixels, almost black. Darker than the pixels of the "being" that visited me. I feel them as well, as energy. I tell you this now because suddenly and violently there was a loud audible *crack* like a gunshot, and a sphere of this darkness that is inside of me, a sphere of it perhaps three to four inches in diameter, a sphere that was centered on my physical heart, suddenly vanished. It was an implosion in my chest, so violent that I almost fell over on the bed. I clearly felt the suction, the sudden vacuum pulling hard on the rest of my insides. It was exactly as if a sphere of meat had been teleported out of my chest, leaving a sphere-shaped void, which then imploded. There was actually a significant concussion, like a reverse-explosion of a very large firecracker. It hurt significantly. Real pain. It shocked me to the core.

I was partially blind now. Mostly blind. Vague shapes only. Very confused and shaken, I felt for my heartbeat with my hand. I felt and felt for it, but I could find absolutely no heartbeat. I felt for perhaps thirty seconds or more, and still my own chest was utterly still, like a corpse. I was beginning to think I had died in the real world somehow. All I could think of was my family I'd be leaving behind. Then gradually I began to feel more alive again. Felt for a carotid beat this time, and found one. And here I am.

So, what do you make of that? Because I have no idea whatsoever.

More of the same, but that alone is astonishing...

Short post right now...

Last night, sitting in a chair next to the bed, once again I was in multiple universes, "accordioned" around me. Very similar to last time I was in the "multiverse" state, which was my last post, except that they weren't disk-like. More like layered, but overlapping too. I was also vertically "accordioned" much like last time.

My dog, now 100% deaf from double ear surgery due to infections (he's recovered now, thankfully) was sleeping soundly on the far side of the bed, away from me in my chair next to the bed. (Yes, you know what's coming, don't you?)

So yadda yadda, I see the universes, I am amazed by the universes, and then I start to play around with them, just like last time. All without even realizing what I was doing... it was just the natural thing to do at the time, it seemed.

This time I warped the stack of universes, sending a wave of "cracks" up toward the upper opposite corner of room... the fracturing proceeds diagonally downward through the room... crack... upper part of room fractured... crack... a little more is fractured, proceeding downward through room... crack... more fractures, now upper half of room is fractured, centered on the original upper opposite corner... crack... getting closer to bed... crack... fractured area touches sleeping dogAND HE'S UP AND MAKING NOISES INSTANTLY, on all four feet, obviously perturbed. Instantly, as the fracturing touched him. Asleep. Deaf. I'd been there an hour, done things etc, and he slept through it all... and yet the fracturing touched him, he woke up like I'd hit him with a glass of icewater.

This is insane.

It's getting really hard to discount this.

>>>Late addition to this: I just recalled that at one point just prior to the events described above, I was sitting with my head turned to my left, looking at the top of a safety railing we have on the bed for our dog. The railing at the time was perhaps a foot and a half from my head. So, very close, visually. I was in a vertically "accordioned" state, multiple versions of myself stacked on top of each other overlapping, moving through this stack of "me's" up and down, looking out through many pairs of my eyes but mainly focused on the vision of one main pair with some interference from nearby ones. As I moved through this stack of "me's" and of my bedroom surroundings, that railing kept changing slightly as I looked through one pair of my eyes, then the next, and the next and so on. Slight changes in angle, in the cloth and mesh covering on the railing, in the wrinkles in it, and so on. Each pair of my eyes, was seeing a different railing. All slight differences, but not so slight as to be easily explained away. A change of angle of several degrees, a half-inch new wrinkle at the end of the cloth cover. Definite differences. I should note also that I was not even blinking my eyes; the changes were literally happening as I looked at the railing, as I shifted "universes."

So there's that, too. All in all, a very interesting experience much like previous ones, even to waking the dog in many "on cue," but I retained more details because I stood up right at the end and got my wife in the other room and told her about it. (We have a deal where I can wake her up if it's an important experience that I need to talk about)

INCIDENTALLY: For anybody that can't imagine what my visions are like, I did find something that comes fairly close. Watch the last parts of the New Doctor Strange Trailer Here. Where the whole view is warping and interacting. It can be a lot like that, visually. At least in the general "feel."

Playing With Disk Worlds

Last night, two small bowls, 50X.

Started with a one-point internal meditation on the source of my consciousness... gradually I faded out of it into a full vision. I saw portions of the room floating around me as if the room was shattered in planar fractures approximately horizontally in many places throughout, but what they really were was a group of vertical disk-worlds with myself, my sense of "I AM" fully present in all of the pieces, occupying more than eight or ten adjacent universes at once. I was playing with many disk-shaped parallel worlds in a vertical stack, feeling at once as if powerless to stop and also realizing that I was doing it on purpose for the sheer fun of it and also knowing while in that state that I have done this many times before, but was never able to recall it later.

I spent the next ten minutes or so fighting like hell to keep the memory. This time I did it. I think the totality of what I was doing, the sheer wonder of it all, the sense of awe, hit a trigger for me to fight to retain it, to take it back with me. It took considerable effort.

So I was in many identical versions of my bedroom and saw through many pairs of my eyes, the room seemingly in parts, many parts, and yet not, for it was as if I was seeing a bunch of "nearby" or adjacent universes stacked together rather than only one at a time, and I was rotating them around myself as an axis somehow, playing with them like colossal misshapen disks.

To approximately assign dimension to them, let’s say disk-ish shaped volumes of reality, all including identical versions of me in them, each somehow vertically compressed into "disk-oids" perhaps two feet thick and fifteen feet in diameter. Many of them, stacked vertically, with black gaps where they did not fit together, not being flat disks but somewhat wavy and irregular.

It was not quite like as if the room was somehow entirely solid (even the air) and a giant band-saw had cut slices horizontally through it, it was instead like many, many such solidified rooms were compressed into poorly made round "coins" all somewhat bent out of shape and wavy, each coin being a complete version of my entire worldview compressed, flattened, rounded… then stacked vertically with me, or rather my central consciousness, my "overmind," at the common pivot point near the back of the stack, for such was my perspective in the room. Like someone drove a nail through a stack of disks near the edge, and I was the nail.

Since “I” was many versions of myself all stacked one upon the other in a vertical manner, my own consciousness was this vertically-extended stack of “me’s” that, since I was perceiving this from a group perspective, was much taller than I myself was, sitting as I was in a straight-backed chair in my bedroom. I was a very tall stack of “me’s” with a single consciousness running through it that was me, only repeated many times, and all of “us” were aware of the others of “us” in the stack and what those others were seeing and sensing, so that somehow “we” remained “I," remained one consciousness, except as shared thoughts in one communal “overmind” or perhaps more accurately “mind-overlap.”

And this overlapping stacked group mind was playing with the disk worlds that comprised it's group-body like vertebrae, playing with itself, if I can say that and not conjure grossly inaccurate assumptions, by spinning the world-disks in opposing directions. One clockwise, the next one below counterclockwise, and so on in alternating fashion. Spinning disks for fun, but the disks were each a worldview, a universe. A point-of-view.

I was manipulating a group of my parallel universal viewpoints or worldviews, for pleasure. For fun.

I was conscious of many versions of myself overlaid, overlapping and occupying similar space in nearby planes, a composite me, a brotherhood of one repeated over and over… I was sharing bandwidth. Picking up nearby stations. Seeing my own self repeated in such a manner, I (composite multiple inter-cooperating "overmind" I) chose to play with it all and spin these disks made out of my overlapping perceptions. I say “I chose” because I can only assume that I must have or I wouldn’t have been doing it, but I certainly have no memory of choosing to do anything of the sort; I became fully conscious of what I was doing while I was already well into doing it.

Towards the end of this experience, as I managed to sneak a tiny amount of my rationality into the vision and be aware enough of it with my logical analytical mind, I sensed beyond doubt that the nature of reality is a massive communal dream-like state wherein we, or rather all our dreams, fit together almost, but not quite, seamlessly.

I say dreams, but our consensual reality we all live in is not really a dream. It’s not like a normal sleeping dream, at any rate. It's like a far more focused and realistic version of a dream we all dream together, with limits we ourselves impose on it. It’s just that “dream” or dream-like” is the nearest that language seems to come to the reality of what it truly is.

I got the very strong sense that we all walk around in a mobile individual dream that we update as we progress through it, and others also do this same thing, and they, or rather we, all interlock somehow. Also, all of us are subconsciously determined that it all fits seamlessly together, for when you think about it, for most people, to doubt the nature of reality itself in a manner like this is tantamount to insanity and therefore is simply terrifying to even contemplate, so we tend not to.

So out of fear that it won't make sense, it almost always does.

I knew it was real and true then. There was no doubt at the time, but I cannot say that I know it to be true now, since I am not in that state now and can see in retrospect how it might mislead me... however this time I brought so much more of the memory back with me that I feel more compelled to at least give honest credence to my own memories of it being un-doubtable, since those memories are not normally nearly this clear. I’d done this before. I remember realizing that, as I was doing it again. I’d just never been able to be rational enough to retain it like this, almost intact.

Salvia Divinorum is an utterly astonishing substance.

Welcome to Green World

Through the years of my experimentation with salvia divinorum and my own consciousness, I have from time to time found myself in a place that I've only shards of memory of. Recently I once again found myself there but somehow managed to awaken a tiny kernel of my analytical mind and ask myself a few questions about the experience. This is what I recall about it now.

It's a very deep place, seemingly underlying all consciousness, all reality, all dreams, all feelings and sensations. Almost like the static of a television station that is lacking a signal. The baseline of all consciousness. Perhaps like an infinite three-dimensional canvas for all conceivable realities to be painted upon. "The Matrix," in a way.

I call it Green World, for lack of a better name. It happens when I sink deep within myself, past even my own sense of "I AM" down to just an inchoate sense of pure "I."

With eyes closed, an inner light, bluish-green in color, is seen in my visual imagination. It just appears, at first a dim glow, soon intensifying to a bright sparkling static-filled three-dimensional world with nothing in it but the basic structure of reality, thin interlocking green and red threads, tiny filaments, so tiny, but everywhere, making up dim shapes in this glowing world.

The sparkling blue-green glow replaces my body, beginning at the forehead and region of my eyes. My body thus is dissolved into the glow. I have no body at all. Where my body should be, is the green light, sparkling with energy, glowing, potent. I have no eyes to see, but do not need them. I feel the energy, the tingling, an electrical sensation, in lieu of a body. I am one with this world, because this world is made up of pure "I." Pure Identity. I sense that strongly.

There is an associated aural sensation, not a sound but a sense of a sound, hard to describe. It seems like nonsense syllables, but I've heard them before in prior visits here. Something akin to "elektraglyzsendee" or parts of that, but that's not it, there is no real way to describe this. I've "heard" it many times, but it remains indescribable. When I sense the almost-sound of this nonsense phrase, I feel it in my core, it goes right through me, through all of this inner Green World, like a muted kind of teeth-on-tinfoil sensation. It seems to mean something, to be significant somehow, no idea how though.

Oh, another thing. Green World is always terrifying. I never knew why before, but I do now.

There is always terror upon arriving here. Primal Terror and strong deja-vu. In my early days, that was hard to overcome, but I've done this a few times before, even though it is difficult to recall specifics. I have a kind of experience, a 'feel' for it now.

So I feel the terror, tell myself it cannot harm me, embrace it, and it passes me by. Much better.

Why is this Green World terrifying? Good question, yet one I'd never been aware enough to able to ask myself while being here before. This time however I managed to ask myself that question while I was in a position to answer it. This time I was aware enough to ask it, and figure out the answer. I even managed to ask myself in the moment about the clarity of the answer I was receiving, and it was very clear indeed, like a clear memory.

The terror I feel when I come here is because of all the many times I'd come here previously when I'd just died.

Green World is terrifying because normally we only find ourselves here because we've just died.

Or rather, because one of our dreams of being alive has just ended.

Same thing.

It's like it's the Blank Slate we experience while on "layover."

This I clearly sensed as soon as I asked. Death and Life. The dead tarry here, in this deep realm, and the living also, but they are unaware of it, being focused on other things.

We are all here, all the time. Only our dreams differ. If you dream deeply enough to believe you're awake, you will not see or sense Green World, but here you are regardless. You can't leave it, because it *is* you. It is everything, and yet most of all, it is nothing.

In my prior visions, when I've seen green light, waves or currents of it, it came from this Green World, from this underlying strata of reality that intersects everything. This I sensed as well.

Green World is Identity, pure "I." It is not my personal identity, it is the identity that is the real structure of dreams, all dreams, including real-seeming ones like this life. It is pure mind, rendered visible. It is not our dream, for we do not dream it; it dreams us. It is not only the deepest core of my being, but also of yours, and everybody and everything.

Or so it seems to one person making deep-dives into his own mind, at any rate. No proof of course. Just very interesting to me, and who knows, perhaps to you as well.

The Tiny Torus Of The Self

EXPLORING THE CENTER POINT

Last night, seated meditation in bed.

Focusing on my inner self, my identity, attempting to perceive my consciousness with my consciousness, I went through a period in which all my surroundings became cartoon-like or dream-like, with no loss of detail. This has happened in the past, and indeed is fairly common.

As I settled into rhythmic breathing, I closed my eyes and went within myself, far within, seeking my own source. This is a fairly common meditation for me. In the past I've often gone so deep and so far that I perceived a tiny single point, the very center point of my being, what I think of as my "I AM" point because in order to see it I must free my mind of all concepts except my own basic sense of identity and pursue only that. Salvia is so powerful in this particular manner, it gives you what amounts to almost a super-power of concentration. With salvia I can narrow my focus to only one exclusive concept and simply not think of anything else, at will.

So there I am floating in the black void of my inner self, starred as always by the millions of tiny lights that I always see even when I'm in normal mind. The remains of my old childhood hallucinations, the leftovers of my old visions. I'm floating in this, this vast expanse of what looks like space but unlike space I can feel it as if it were part of my body. I sense the currents and swirls and movements of my "astral plane" for lack of a better term. I focus on my source, and let everything else fall away. It's effortless. I no longer know my own name, that I even have a name. I am a point, a floating viewpoint, in this vast cavern that is my own mind.

I sense something different, floating in front of me in this space. What can it be? It looks like a smoke ring, perhaps three-quarters of an inch in apparent diameter. A smoke ring floating in the space of my mind. I can feel it twisting there. I see it twisting in on itself constantly, as an actual smoke ring usually does. It's a floating torus, spinning not on its axis, but spinning around the center of the toroidal tube that makes up the ring itself.

I approach closer to it. Now it's right in front of me. I can feel it there, twisting in on itself there in front of me.

Then something really strange happened.

It seemed to suck me in, to suck in the floating viewpoint that was all I was in that space. I became one with the torus, and all of a sudden I was twisting and torquing within it as if it, were me.

I distinctly remember the feeling of being turned inside-out when it happened. It is an incredibly unusual feeling to cope with.

Then it happened again. I remember thinking "inside out and inside out and inside out and inside out..." many times as I experienced the chaos of being a twisting smoke ring, a torus of energy, feeling my entire being twisting itself inside-out over and over and over.

Eventually I decided to disengage with it and wake up to full consciousness, and did so. All I remember thinking at the time was, it was like I finally found the very center of my being, and it was a spinning torus of constant self-inversion, spinning smoke-ring-like in the quasi-darkness of the deepest recesses of my mind.

Overall, a very interesting experience, rather pleasant.

Another Kind Of Distance

Recently:

Sitting in silent meditation, 100X. I'm playing around with what feels like a field around my body, a field that I can feel as if it were a part of me. I move it to the left and to the right, feeling it move, feeling it like an extension of my will. Then suddenly I feel myself, sitting there, suddenly shrink down to microscopic proportions, and seep through the floor of the room into an identical but far smaller version of my room. So there I am, having just filtered down through the ceiling, sitting there, and it happened again. Once again I shrank down, seemed to filter through the bed and floor as if it were a permeable membrane, and wound up where I started, sitting on my bed in my room, wife asleep by my side. Then again, it happened. And again.

I seemed to shrink, again and again, and seep down through the material plane I was in and fall into a far smaller, identical one!

Of course, each new plane of reality, while immeasurably smaller than the preceding one, was completely normal to me once I entered it, because I was so much smaller too.

It's an amazing feeling, to feel your whole body shrink suddenly down to microbe size or less, over and over, four or five times. I never experienced that before.

So that was interesting.

This brings us to last night.

Once again, sitting on the bed cross-legged. Reality around me morphs into an extension of my head, seeming to be all a part of my head, or passing through my head. I see reality in a confused daze of reality-chunks, pieces of the surrounding room arranged seemingly at random around me, physically touching my eyes and head. One such chunk was the size of my whole cheek, touching my cheek, blended with it somehow. Confusing.

In this state of *blending* with my surroundings, a common state for me while meditating on salvia, I get the clearest sense of my reality not being outside my head and body at all, but instead all in my head, or rather all in my mind, *including* my head and body. Of it all being a mirage, a figment of my imagination, even down to my physical body.

As this state started to abate, and I became more aware and lucid, I could feel my body as usual in its seated position on the bed. I had not moved. My normal sense of kinesthesia returned, my body-sense became clear again. But what's this? I feel my body seated on the bed in my room, but I also feel many other bodies, many others of my body, all seated on the bed, all in *almost* the same identical posture but not quite. They all differ slightly, some very slightly. So once again, I sense a "cloud of me's" or many "me's" all seated in the same location.

I was sitting in one place, many times over. Not all identical sitting postures, but very similar. It should be noted that I could also clearly sense this, that all these bodies of mine were not in perfectly identical postures. I could "see" (in my mind) where others differed. One positioned slightly to the left, another with part of my right arm not in the same exact place, and so on. None differed greatly, but all differed at least slightly.

I have been in this state many times in the past. It's even rather comfortable for me now. This time was different though. This time I could also very clearly sense the distance between each of my bodies.

I could clearly feel the distance between my many bodies that were all sitting in the same physical location.

Think about that for a minute.

This sense of distance was incredibly clear. Think of holding your arms apart with your eyes closed. You can clearly sense the distance between your two hands, even if you cannot tell it's exact length in centimeters or inches. There's no mistake that your hands are well apart, you can clearly feel that even with your eyes shut.

This was the same degree of certainty.

So I'm sitting there in many, many bodies, all in the same almost identical physical location in my bedroom on my bed, but I'm sensing the distance between each body. It wasn't a long distance... perhaps a couple of feet. However, and this is key, this "distance" wasn't in my normal three-dimensional world. It was not a distance in any spatial direction that I had access to. In my normal 3-D world, this distance was in a "hidden" direction, as real as anything I could point to, but not really *in* my regular world. I could not point in the direction that I sensed the distance, for that direction did not exist.

It was another kind of distance, in a hidden direction. I could feel it so clearly; it was not to the left or to the right or up or down or to the front or the rear. It was a distance to "elsewhere" that had no direction.

This is not a concept that lends itself well to our languages, but I experienced, clear as day, the distance between the planes of my own multi-plane or multiversal existence.

And I did so with all the clarity that you're experiencing now, reading this.

This is why I love salvia divinorum.

Reality is Mathematics is Consciousness

Existence exists because it is impossible for mathematics not to exist.

Even in absolute nothingness lies the concept of mathematics.

Reality is this concept.

Mathematics *is* consciousness, brought into being by the very necessity of its existence even in the face of all else being gone.

Nothing actually exists anywhere. No thing is real.

The only reality is that which is brought into being by the necessity of the existence of mathematics even in absolute void.

We are the interplay of mathematics so complex and interwoven that it is the equivalent of what we think of as "thought."

Reality is therefore a dreamlike state of mathematical interplay and development, a dream. A true dream as unreal as any sleeping dream.

Here's the secret: We never are truly awake. We just believe that we are.

We just awaken to the point where our reality is familiar and is rational and logical and makes sense to us and has continuity with our previous experiences and meshes with other consciousnesses' dreams that we are associated with in the overall story we participate in that we call our life.

Reality, waking reality, is merely our most ordered dream which we all share.

We insist it not be magical, we insist it make sense. So it does.

If it failed to meet our definition of reality we would retreat in terror of existential crisis. So it doesn't.

Hence, it's a very realistic dream.

Precisely as realistic as is needed to convince each one of us individually, in fact. That is all it's needed to be.

We are mathematics, which turns out to be consciousness, which turns out to be as real as anything ever gets.

Our next moments in time are generated by the mathematics (the physics) of the previous ones, with all possible results being realized in it's own dimension, or perhaps more accurately, at its own frequency.

A mathematical multiverse.

I wonder if this will make sense tomorrow.

********************
Note: If this concept interests you, you might like to read THIS BOOK

"Our Mathematical Universe" by cosmologist Max Tegmark. Read the editorial reviews on the Amazon page linked above. Note the names of the reviewers. This concept, likely or not, is utterly credible. It just requires a paradigm shift.